Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Road Trip


Deer Readers,
We have come back safely to our PyongYang Palace in Central Cali-Flornia! The 3 of us had a successful secret spy trip to the Land of Analcavityheads (L.A.) .
Me, Great Reader KIM Jong IL (JihadGene), the Norf Korean Minister of Finance and Head Honcho of the War Department (Wife), and my Son of Guns (Karate Kid, age 12) have returned "Victoriously" to the People's Republic of Koweefornia's Central Valley! Let's me give you a Bro by Bro (blow by blow) description of our trip...
PREPARATION....Getting ready to go on "Top Secret" mission to Lost Angelswuss takes planning!

Friday 25 July 2008
1. Make list of needed items to be purchased when in El Ray (L.A.).
2. Arrange for care and feeding of family pets (cat & dogs-also known as food inNorf Korea)
3. Refrigerator (piece of shit GE) only 3 years old breaks down.
4. Call GE Bastards and get repairs man to Palace of KIM Jong IL before heading out to El Ray!
5. GE guy comes to Palace on same day. Praise Allah! Sort'a fixes piece of crap GE refrigerator.
GE guy leaves. Refrigerator takes another dump. Refrigerator no working. Sucks. Call GE. They can come back on Wednesday....kiss mines Norf Korean ass. I'm screwed.
6. Get home from work (our store) in the evening and I'm notice the Palace Alarm system is showing a "Low Battery" signal. We never leave Norf Korea, and now, when we are gonna goes to the big city of El Way (L.A.) the home alarm is now acting funky. Not good. Oh well.
7. Say blessings to KIM Il Sung, and eat spoiling foods for dinner. Have warm waters-melon for dessert. Good night.

Getting Outta Here!
Saturday 26 July 2008
1. Beg GE Heathen Bastards to fix GE piece 'o shit refrigerator today. Sorry Charlie. No can do. See yoo Wednesday sucker. Shit.
2. Have warm and spoiled food fors breakfast. Chuck breakfast. We go out to Micky D's.
3. Say blessings to KIM Il Sung, and remember why I'm hates Micky D's.
4. Go work. Wife leave work and packs for memorable trip to L. Way.
5. Home alarm system funky like a monkey. Call ADT Bastards. No problemo! They come out today after 12. Good news!
6. ADT Bastards call back. No can do today. Sorry Charlie. Fix on Tuesday. Shit.
7. Make sure Imperial Japanese Van is ready for trip to L. Way. It be good to go!
8. Get off work.
9.Go home. Pack. Load van.
10. Alarm working but low battery signal got me worried. Hell wiff it!
11. Get on road. Drive 10 miles outta town and turn around. I'm forget my wallet. Doh!
12. Back on road. Get safe to L. Way. Good.
13. Check in to Korea town Hotel in L. Way. Is good.
14. Go to wonderful Korean restaurant in Korea town. FANTASTIC!
15. It now mid-night. Time to sleep. Bed is awesome! Have Tempur-pedic mattress, nice! Have to get up at 5AM and get ready for Karate tournament. LAPD helicopter now circles hotel all night while LAPD police try out loud speakers and sirens. Good night.

The Karate Tournament
Sunday 27 July 2008
1. 5AM wake up call....KIM Jr (son) is up and at 'em. Ready for karate tournament! Ma & Pa Kim are draggin ass. I'm worry about the alarm system at home. I'm worry too much.
2. Everybody cleaned up ready to go!
3. Go to another suck-ass Micky D's for breakfast.
4. Find Karate Tournament location. Starts at 7:30 AM. We are early 7AM, Good. 0730 Karate Tournament starts late...0900. Not good.
1PM...our son (KIM Jr) fights. WINS! Fights again...WINS! Fights again...WINS! Fights again...WINS! He takes 1st place! Parents KIM and Jane Jong Il very proud!
3:30PM... Son is getting "the holy goat snot" beat outta him by bigger kids in team competition. The God's must be angry at us, as we are not in church listening to the Lord's crappy church music today. My KIM Jr is gettin' banged up pretty bad. Poor kid is hurtin. His team takes 2nd. Mom & Dad proud! Poor kid is limping now, but smiles at Ma & Pa KIM. We love that kid!
* I asked KIM Jr if he wanted to go to Universal Studios or do something special and he just said, "Hotel. Hot bath. Korean restaurant. Sleep". We did.

Back to the Grind!
Monday 28 July 2008
1.) 7:30AM- Wake up. LAPD must of had the night off. Had good nights rest. KIM Jr is very sore this morning. I ask if he's okay. He smiles at me while rubbing the bruises on his forearms. I love him looong time!
2.) 8:00AM- A fanfreekintastic Seafood & ToFu bowl of hot bubbling soup for breakfast! With egg! Plus rice and a million side dishes! Outta this world!
3.) 9:30AM-3PM Garment District. Mrs KIM has us walking 7 miles. KIM Jr limps, but is still faster than me. We order stuff for our store. Then after placing orders, go back and pick it all up.
11:30AM- Have a FANTASTIC Korean lunch in Garment District! The restaurant only seats about 18 and has bicycle delivery service to the various shops in the Grarment District. The food is soooo good! Cheap too!
4.) 3PM- On road home to Central Koweefornia. L Way Traffick SUX! Every hour is rush hour.
5.) 6:20 PM- Home to dead alarm system, dead GE refrigerator, and happy pets!
6.) 7:00PM- Check on employees and store. Unload Imperial Japanese Van. Get ready for tomorrow. All home safe. We happy. Not Crappy. Mission accomplished.

* Some say things break in three's? The fridge and the alarm system were two... was the third my son? Or am I due for something else today? Just wondering. JG

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Be Back on Tuesday...or Wednesday

Business, karate tournament, with fun mixed in! See ya later! Great Reader & JihadGene

Friday, July 25, 2008

It's Friday! Feel the Heat? Let's Dance!

It's Friday and I have a goat-smelling GE side by side refrigerator-freezer, made by infidels from PIGISTAN, that's only 2 years old. The compressor went out today. Can I get a repairman today? Maybe, I'm told. Will he have the part or parts needed? Maybe, I'm told. Did I tell ya it's gonna be 103 today? Sure hope my home's A/C unit isn't a GE. I think that tramp, Al Gore, is having his way with me. Al wants us not to use energy, so I guess a refrigerator is not needed in his Glow-balled Warming World, which he flies over in a JP5 fuel-sucking jet. Piss on Al Gore! I hope he has GE jet engines. With my luck he'll probably crash on-top of me, anyways. Man, in times like these I miss my motorcycle (the one I was always crashing and doing Jihad on) something fierce. It's times like this when I just want to get on the bike and take a ride in the country, where I can enjoy my Iron Horse while being pelted by dust, dirt, and sand, stinging insects, sprayed by crop dusters, and enjoy the adrenalin-rush of narrowly avoiding death in the form of ladders falling out of pick up trucks in front of me, or the thrill of drunken Mexicans running stop signs in their Chevy vans as I approach the intersection. Welcome to my
"El World-Oh" ...a little Latin lingo as I'm practicing being bilingual like Obama instructs me.
Man, I still miss my motorcycle! So in honor of all these things on my mind....plus the fact that my Elder Sister Carol and the entire 1st Baptist Church thinks I'm going to hell anyway...here's today's Jihadgene Dance Fever hit! The song by Elvis. The video with Ghost rider. Come on! Let's dance!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Finally, Uncle Bob's New Car!

Dear Readers,
I'm sorry. Sorry for making you wait these too many days (since 8 July), to hear more from Uncle Bob, and to find out what kind of a new car he got. Remember how my Dad got a new 1966 Chevy Chevelle station wagon and Bob was not impressed? Uncle Bob, not to be out-done, now opens his garage door to show us what he has inside...

UNCLE BOB- Enough of your shit! Look what I got!
(Uncle Bob slowly opens the garage door)

DAD- Shit, Bob! What the hell did you do...rob a *G*damned bank?

UNCLE BOB- Sweet, ain't it?

I see the parked beauty and yell for my brother, Joe. My Dad whistle's a long, low, whistle.
Now my brother, Joe, enters the garage. His eye's have almost never been bigger, except when Uncle Bob beached the boat doing 100+MPH at the Suisun Slough maybe, and almost got us all killed. Joe smiles a huge nervous smile. "Look at her! Just look at her"!, I said. My Dad, Joe, and Uncle Bob's faces all beam. Me too.

DAD- Damn, Bob! You bought the Queen Mary! You must have done some serious overtime out at the ship yard.

UNCLE BOB- (says with a big shit-eatin' grin) Worth it don't ya think?

DAD- (whistles again) A blue convertible. Well, since you are between wives...you haven't remarried again, have you, Bob? You are still single, aren't you?!

UNCLE BOB- (laughs loudly) OH HELL NO!

DAD- (rolls eyes) Sure, Bob.

UNCLE BOB- I mean it! I'm swearing off 'a marriage for good.

DAD- I'll drink to that!

At this point Uncle Bob get's that twinkle in his eye, pulls out his car keys, walks over to the huge trunk of the new car and opens it. There in the trunk, is the magic silver colored cooler with the 7up logo on it. The cooler is chock full of Miller High Life Beer, on ice. We admire the size of the trunk, then Uncle Bob helps himself to a sodie and hands Dad a beer. They drink and smile. Me and my brother Joe just circle the car, a beautiful blue, 1966 2 door Cadillac, Fleetwood Eldorado. It was a convertible! I looked inside, and there behind the drivers seat was Uncle Bob's empty Hill Brothers 5 pound coffee can he kept for pit stops (bladder relief). When Uncle Bob saw me looking in at his infamous coffee can, he just busted up and told me that some day, if I worked real hard, and didn't bother marrying too-many women, that, I too, could have such a Cadillac, Fleetwood, Eldorado, convertible complete with a Hills Brothers piss can. About 4 or 6 beers later Uncle Bob announced...let's take her out for a spin. Seeing as how Uncle Bob only had about 4 or 6 beers in him, I figured we were safe. We jumped in... (to be continued)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

My Pastor is on Vacation

Hell is for Heathens
I knew I was screwed. I should of known I was screwed. But it's like paying taxes. The stuff eventually catches up with you, and then, you are totally screwed. Just when I thought I had more than enough in the HOLY column...then... KA-FOOKIN-BOOM!!!... and I'm back in the HEATHEN, BURN IN HELL column, again.
God is either keeping me around for laughs, or I got a real Clarence for a guardian angel.
Here's why...
My regular Pastor (#1) goes on vacation, which happens every summer. Then my #2 Pastor, a true blue bonifide California blond-headed lazy butt, takes over. Now that may sound good and all but...enter Pastor#3, Mr Minister of Music.
The guy's a Nazi. My regular Pastor keeps Hitler in check, sorta, and I can appreciate that, but when he's gone then Pastor Hitler (#3) pretty much takes over. I will tell you right now that Pastor#3 is a pencil-necked-geek. He even plays guitar, and yet the Fuhrer (Pastor#3) hates country & western music. Is that sick or what?
Well...when Pastor#1 is here, he keeps the Nazi Minister of Music (Pastor#3) limited to about 20 minutes of music. However when Pastor#1 is gone...Nazi Pastor#3 orders us to our feet, and gives us all direction, as if we're in the damned choir! He's a pompous ass and says crap like..."You're a little slow to your feet this morning. So let's try this again and sing Stand Up for Jesus"! I'm steamed. This goes on for 45 minutes, which lazy butt Pastor#2 loves, 'cause now he's only gotta preach for 3 or 10 minutes, depending on who all is dead, dying, having surgeries, thinks they are dying, think they may have a surgical procedure done one day, or wedding anniversary's. Then we're singing these suck-ass songs he likes (from the 90's) over and over. I've heard Majesty so many times, that if I hear it once more, I'm gonna hurl on a church elder. Me? What do I want? I just want to smote the Pastor-Nazi who somehow escaped the Nuremberg trials, something fierce.
So let's go to this past Sunday...

I have a dream!
Now... knowing that the musical services always begin with the "Pastor Hitler Music Man Show and Sing Along Marathon" I just figure I'll drag my feet in the morning so we'll arrive late and miss all of Pastor Adolph's "American Baptist Idol" or "Sing Better than a Choir of 5th Graders" shows. While I admit it was a great plan that I personally formulated over some alcoholic beverages on Saturday night, I think God had a different plan in store for my baptized ass. Ya see, we walked in late, and there was Pastor#2 already well into his sermon. I'm thinking... WAY COOL... we'll be outta here in no time! But as I listen, I realize the sermon is about being flexible. That dirty lazy-butted-dog-of-a-Pastor(#2) has gone and done a change-up, on ME! Get the picture? Lazy Butt Pastor#2 has started this service off with his preaching first, so now I'm stuck with having to go through the entire "Reichstag Music Review" with Herr Pastor#3.

The Great Escape (almost)
Oh crap! As in baseball, the wife "read my signals". She was blocking my escape. Family honor, my ass! Church, hell! I go for broke and make a break for it! Just as I was leaping over the backs of some peoples heads and chairs, to make my escape, my son puts his red Karate belt to work. I'm not sure what the move was but I think it was a WWE Choke Slam, using my tie, or maybe he Tomb-stoned my ass? I just don't know. But I was grateful for the fact that I was unconscious for a full five minutes and missed some of that gawd awful music. As I got up off the floor, someone yelled "He Is Risen"! Though my ears were ringing, I could hear the congregation singing Onward Christian Soldier. I massaged my throat. My wife handed me half a box of Kleenex to help stop the river of blood flowing from my now, broken nose. I looked at my son. He mouthed the words..."I'm sorry, Dad". What a great kid! Lightning fast and strong too! My wife smiled sweetly, handed me a raw steak to put on my swollen right eye. I was in and out of consciousness, but we must'a stood and sang those lame ass'd songs for over an hour. Yes, you got me good, God. But it pisses me off. If anybody deserves to burn in hell over this post...it's Pastor#3 of First Baptist Church!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Church with Rev Michelle Obama

Hello Obamite's! As you well know, Barrack Who's-Named Obama, is overseas gallantly serving this undeserving nation of mean people of ours. Barrack is busy securing peace and harmony in the middle-east, just like Jimmy Carter, until Ronald Reagan and George Bush #1 fu*ked that shit all kinds of up. Now, even as I, the Reverend Michelle Obama speak... my sweet-meated Prince of Piece, is in the HOMIE Land, hookin up with the butchers of Iraqistan. You know who they are... General Betrayus, and some other lame ass generals in George W. Bush's army, who have been air-raiding and killing civilians! Our nation's soul is broken! Barry is here to fix our nation's soul! Now STFU and let us pray...

...Our Barrack, who's-Named Obama, so hollow be this lame. Thy kingdom come, Rezko's will be done, on earth, as it is in the projects. Give us this day, our daily talking points, and lead us not within 10 miles of Jessie Jackson. May we pile up debt and have Hillary supporters pick up the checks, as we are black, and can't be questioned. And lead us not into the Republican Party (who are all a bunch of pussy's) but deliver us from Karl Rove. For me and mine's is the kingdom, and the power, and the White House forever. Right on!

Let us now enjoy these songs of worship...

What a wonderful friend we have in Obama ( The Tali-bandsmen)

Draw me to Your (airport) Throne Room (Solo Senator Larry Craig)

We shall gather at the Denver, the beautiful, the beautiful, Denver (Solo Rep. Nancy Pelosi)

There's Power in the Mud (Solo Rep. Barney Frank)

Faithful (Solo Bill Clinton)

Heads Up (Solo Monica Lewinski)

Who Needs a Boat (Solo Ted Kennedy)

(* I could go on with this shit)

Okay. The service is over, sucka's! Now go to the Trinity United Church and donate today! If you contribute over $500 you will receive a Joliet State Penitentiary list of “do’s and don’ts” personally autographed by Tony Rezko! For those of you struggling, whitie collar hard-workin’ folk (lawyers), who contribute over $1k, you will receive a Denny’s Menu signed by “The Shake-Down Clowns”…Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton! Remember, brothers and sisters, a minimum donation of only $500 will not only “not” fix your souls, but likely you will find yourself under the wheels of a bus! Give generously or else! And all of you Hillary supporters can kiss my bodacious ass! Cash only, no checks. Vote OBAMA!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

In Arab News Today

Since Barrack "Who's-Named" Obama has begun his Mid-Eastern Tour d' Kools (sponsored by Rezko J. Reynolds Tobacco Company) an increase in "Arab" crime has been noted here at Great Reader Headquarters. We don't know if it is a direct result of Obama's visit to the middle-east region or just another case of Global Warming. Pictured here on Great Reader, is Arab High School's own Senior High Graduate, the 18 year old Mr. Hon Orr Stewdent.
It seems Stewdent has been arrested for shooting the "banana", which in Arabic means "the finger", at his Principal, Don Imus, during the Arab graduation ceremony. Stewdent further disrupted a reading of the Koran, wiped his feet on prayer rugs, cursed his family (who apparently are Obama supporters), and called them all a bunch of "Himey-Town sons of bitches who he'd rather cut the balls off of, with a rusty Lady Schick, rather than look at". Before Arab P.D. arrived Mr Stewdent allegedly took a swing at Arab's revered Mullah, Al Sharpton, who countered the blow by striking Stewdent with his bullhorn. Sharpton yelled, "take that you nappy-headed hoe" and knocked that muh-fu*ker right out!

*As if my twisted story from The Arab Tribune isn't bad enough-

Michael Keith Gilley, 51, of Hog Jaw Road was arrested for DUI following a traffic stop on Hog Jaw Road about 1:41 p.m. May 31.

*That's right...Hog Jaw Road in Arab, Alabama. Have they no respect for Arabs in the naming of their streets? Roll Tide!!!

Praise Allah and good night!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Woman in the Street Interview- Afghani Women Hate Obama

JihadGene here with a woman on the street interview in Afghanistan...

JG- So your name is?...

LADY- Bashasha Amal Smith.

JG- I believe that is an Islamic name, is it not?

LADY- For the most parts.

JG- What does your Islamic name mean?

LADY- Well, Bashasha means cheerfullness.

JG- Go on...

LADY- Amal means hope.

JG- And "Smith", what does that mean?

LADY- It means I'm using an alias, you dumb shit.

JG- Oh. Very good then. So Amal means hope?

LADY- Did I do a "Mel Tillis" and stutter, asshole?

JG- Oh. No, Mam.

LADY- That's better, freak.

JG- Are you sure that your first name, Bashasha, means cheerfullness? It doesn't seem...

LADY- Where, in. the. hell., are you going with this?! I put my chick-pea fried ass on the line to talk with you and all you wanna do is talk about my Islamic name?! The Taliban ain't exactly cool with us Afghan women talking to strangers, ya know?! You here to ask me about that Barrack Hussein Obama guy, or what?

JG- Well yes. But I don't get all your...shall I say...resentment?

LADY- Call it what it is, JG. It's anger, damn it!

JG- Very well. Are you then angry because Obama has come to visit your people in Afghanistan?

LADY- You bet your sweet ass I am!

JG- But...

LADY- Look here, fool! Whenever I bow and pray towards Mecca, I see the big US Air Base over there across from my 225 square foot, Habeeb-Built Mud-Mansionett hut. When I saw all the Iron Birds coming in earlier today, plus the helicopters, not to mention all the big Chevy SUV's, and added security in the air and on the ground....well I just put 2 and 2 together! But I never thought it would be this elephant-eared f*ck-face named Obama! Mutha-F*cka! I'm pissed! Naturally, I was let down. Who wouldn't be?! Damn it! May Obama suckle on all of Jimmy Dean's pure-pork sausage-laden sow's for this!

JG- Well, then... just who...or what, did you think was coming in?

LADY- The WWE, of course.

JG- The WWE?

LADY- You know...the WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT! They only been here about a hundred times!... unlike that chicken-shit Obama. Hope & change, my ass!!! I wants some more of that WWE action!!!
I'm talking Undertaker! Jessie & Festus! The Samoan Luv Daddy, Umaga! Randy Orton! Big Show! The Punjabi Ass-Pounder hisself ,The Great Kahli! Mr Kennedy! Shelton Benjamin! Kofi Kingston! Matt & Jeff Hardy! Batista! Triple H! Sean Michaels! Mark Henry! Ray Mysterio, and "EDGE"...he autographed my thong!!! Did I tell ya about the time I woke up with this killer hang-over, and my burka up over my head? Seems Finlay and Hornswoggle made an honorary Leprechaun outta me! WooooWeee, what a night! Say, you aren't gonna print this shit are ya? I gotta go. You never talked to me. C ya!

JG- This pretty-much concludes the interview, I'd say.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Great Reader Pays Tribute to Hammer

Great Reader KIM Jong IL here. People's...if your day starts out just rike mines does, then you have a day saturn-rated (saturated) wiff bullock's dong, also's known to American's as boo-shit, or B.S.. I find this writer of boo-shit is superior to any (Bwee S) I have never read! Anyone's who can get "a blind pimps Cadillac", Foster Brooks, TV Preachers, Spongeblob Squareplants, Cialis, and (mind you) a "diseased moose cock"...all into one post is a Bad Mammer-Jammer and has The People's respect! I clommand you to go now and read, B.S. part 1 and Even more B.S. , at the brogg called "When Your Only Tool is a Hammer
Enjoy Looong Time!
Great Reader

It's Friday! Let's Dance!

It's "not unusual" to enjoy some Tom Jones! But first make sure nobodies home and pull down the shades. Now get up from that keyboard, get off of that government money-maker, and dance with The Great Reader!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

A Message from Baghdad Bob

I don't care about what you think you have seen or read on this blogg...
JihadGene LOVES his family!!! As much as Uday loves Qusay! As much as O.J. loves hunting down the real killers and eating jail food! More than Gene loves to listen to his brother-in-law, Mr Know-It-All, reciting some bullshit statistics on todays economy, or asking why don't we manufacture nuclear powered cars, ranges, and recliners? JihadGene Loves his family more than Lake Tahoe! More than any of the other HOE's, in all the world, as well! Praise Allah, and may pig piss be upon all of you non-believers!!!

*This is just the disclaimer. Scroll down for the rest of the story...

Bayoneted or E-mail from a Jackass

Don't you just love it when someone sticks a bayonet in you and treats ya like a Jap on
Iwo Jima? My bayonet came in the form of this e-mail...

We're leaving this morning for Tahoe.

*this means that my little sister (AKA nurse Ratchet) and her husband (AKA Mr Know-It-All)
will be in Tahoe having a great time with Jackass (the writer of this e-mail) and her husband, Goodguy.

So and So (another relative) has the next week but can't use it, so we're staying an extra

*this means I am even more envious/pissed because I know that Mr Know-It-All will have even more time to stay in beautiful Lake Tahoe for freezie's.

We'll be home on July 28.

*This means where I live, we will be frying (not raisins) in the sun, while the weather is perfect in Tahoe with nice cool nights. Later they'll probably be sitting near a fireplace, drinking wine, and listening to Mr Know-It-All talk of things no one could give a shit less about.

Hope all's well with you.

*This means eat your heart out suck'a.

Love you lots,
Jackass (name changed to protect the innocent)

p.s. Keep on blogging!

*This means Jackass has written Zero, Zilch, Nothin, Na-frickin-da...on her blog since June 25th and leaves me with the encouraging words "Keep on blogging".
Yeah. I'm still blogging. I love you too Carol...er...Jackass. I just know I'm gonna pay for this. What the hell. heh-heh.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Barrack Who's-Named Obama Speaks

(AP) Obama said adhering to nonproliferation treaties would put pressure on nations such as North Korea and Iran. North Korea has tested a nuclear weapon and Iran has an energy program the Bush administration warns could be a precursor to nuclear weapon development.

*It's Jimmy Carter all over again.

Meanwhile somewhere in Peace Ruving and Wocket Launching Norf Korea, we find Great Reader KIM Jong Il, raffing his ass off...

KIM- Read that to me again, General Wang.

WANG- Yes, Great One. Barrack "Who' s-Named" Obama said, and I quote, "Adhering to nonproliferation treaties would put pressure on nations such as North Korea and Iran".


WANG- And according to (AP) ...T
wo goals of his administration would be to secure all loose nuclear material during his first term and to rid the world of nuclear weapons, Obama told an audience before a roundtable discussion at Purdue University.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Where the f*ck is Purdue University?

WANG- I believe it's in Plains, Georgia...Your Greatness.

Korean TV and Koreans

Don't ya just love it when ya feel like doggie-doo and you really don't want to do much of nothing because of all the 100+ degree global warming crap, called summer? All I wanted to do today, and everyday for the rest of my not-so totally-miserable adult life, is watch a bunch of BS in "High Def" on our brand new (thanks to the GW Bush tax refund) Samsung 46 inch HD LCD TV. However this brogging shit is a commitment, as well as some kind of an addiction... like TV... I guess. I am committed to this (post) for the next 10 minutes anyway, or I should be committed...ah...but you already know that, so I'll just plug away here with my two (US ARMY on-the-job trained) typing index fingers. Man, I wanna watch TV so bad right now. If I could just watch the Weather Channel and see how's the weather in Squid Bay, Arkansas or see hailstones, as big as baseballs, falling on Goat Penis, Oklahoma! ...or man... I just know Obama is gonna say some more lame stuff about Iran, or about Big Oil, or the Economy, and man-oh-man, his big honkin' ears are sooo much bigger and honkin'er, in awesome High Def! When Michelle Obama says crap like...
"That is why I am here, because Barack Obama is the only person in this who understands that. That before we can work on the problems, we have to fix our souls. Our souls are broken in this nation." You gotta hear it on the Samsung, in surround sound! What a scream!! She sounds so totally f*ckin NUTZ!!! But nooo, I have to pull myself away from the beautiful jet black lacquered finish of the 46 inch Samsung, series5, model 530, with the swivel base! Did I tell ya about the swivel base? Oh it's sweet, I wanna tell ya.
This was gonna be my best summer ever and then the wife steps in front of (into) the picture. Full Metal Jacket was on the other day and she wants to watch some stupid Korean soap opera...I'd rather take an ass-beating...but having relinquished my balls, so many years ago, I handed her the remote. I hate Dish TV. Why the hell do Koreans have to have TV, anyway? Just because South Koreans make the world's best TV's doesn't mean they should watch them, damn it! I feel so sorry for all our Korean War Veterans. To think, our brave Korean War Veterans, shed their blood for the rotten South Koreans who wanna watch soaps on TV or ads about the latest plastic piece-o-shit kitchen gadget, that effortlessly guts a dog's carcass. I wonder if Radio Shack has a Korean Satellite jamming device? Hell, I'd be willing to make 48 easy payments at 27% interest for that. I knew inter-racial marriages had their difficulties, but this sucks Ostrich eggs laced with kimchee.
Gotta go before she catches me in the act of diss'n her.

Monday, July 14, 2008

KIM Jong IL Reviews The New Yorker

Meanwhile somewhere North of the Samsung-Daewoo line (DMZ) in fabulous Norf Korea, we find Great Reader KIM Jong IL examining the latest cover of The New Yorker magazine...

KIM- Cums here, General Wang.

WANG- Here, Great Reader Sir!

KIM- Rook at picture of Barrack Who's-Named Obama and his wife Michelin. Rook closely.

WANG- Looking closely, your Greatness.

KIM- Notice anyting missing in action of photo?

WANG- Something missing in the cover photo....hmmmm. Let's see...American Flag in fireplace.
OBL's picture on wall. Can't tell if Barrack is wearing a flag lapel pin from this angle. His ears seem a little too small maybe, Great Reader?

KIM- You getting warmer....

WANG- Oh yeah. It's Tony Rezko!

KIM- You getting very warmer....hint... it is peoples who be missing.

WANG- Oh now I know, Great Reader. Their kids!


WANG- What's their daughters names?

KIM- I'm thinking it's Uday and Qusay.

WANG- Right on.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Fresno Baseball

Yes...it's true. We have very good baseball players in Fresno. Especially the girls!
*Note this is faked (snopes knows most all). It was going to be a Gatorade commercial which got shelved for some reason. Still you've got to admit... it's hell'a cool! hat tip-Helldog

Friday, July 11, 2008

It's Friday! Let's Dance!

It has cleavage, accordions, drunken Brits, cow teats, and it's all done to a Slim Whitman tune! It's a Friday... let's dance!!! **I swear... the guy singing in the brown vest looks like my Uncle Bob**

The Father and Son Talk or Gonna see Uncle Bob's New Car

Yes, it's true. Uncle Bob loved beer, cars, cussing, and he had three official wives. Those were his loves, and yes, in that order. Why he continued to marry or play house, we'll never know. Maybe he wanted to show my Dad that, he too, could be a one woman man. Trouble was that all the beer, cars, and the cussing, seemed to get in the way of his romancing the ladies. Uncle Bob, like his "magic beer cooler" (that never ran out of beer), was a constant work in progress. He was constantly drinking beer, constantly buying cars, constantly cussing, and constantly finding new lady friends. I asked my Dad...

ME- Why aren't you like Uncle Bob?

DAD- Boy, all men are Uncle Bob's. Some are just harder to spot. That's all.

ME- Oh. Then why are you only married to Mom?

*Dad gave me a long look. I thought I made him pissed off again, but he just grinned and broke out into a big smile.

DAD- Just lucky, I guess. Besides, I couldn't afford it.

ME- Are they (women) expensive, Dad?

DAD- Let's just say there's a price to pay, son. You'll learn soon enough.

ME- Huh?

DAD- Just shut that trap of yours up for a minute, Okay?

ME- Okay, Dad. I'm shuttin' my trap up, Dad. But one more thing, Dad?

DAD- Okay. One more the-hell thing. But that's all.

ME- Thanks Dad. How does Uncle Bob afford all the new cars, and sodie (beer), and girlfriends, and wives, and stuff? Are shipyard welders rich, Dad?

DAD- Naw, son. I've got all of you (meaning our family) and that's so damned rich I don't know what the hell to do with all of my money but give it to the damned IRS! Maybe your Uncle Bob doesn't pay the damn IRS.

ME- That's keen, Dad! What's the IRS?

DAD- Great. Now will you shut the hell up for a minute so we can see what your Uncle Bob has in his garage?!

ME- Shutting the hell up, Dad.

DAD- What'd you say?

ME- Nothin', Dad.

DAD- Thought so.

(to be continued)

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The All too True Video of Love (happy time)

Barmy Mama ROCKS! Go see her blog and the video here, called "Ooh Girl!" - An Honest R&B Song. It's about makin love...pure and true! Enjoy, but don't have anything you might spill when watching this video, and for God's sakes don't drink any milk when viewing this for the 1st time!
Enjoy...JG and special thanks to Barmy Mama!

Cursing and Conversing with Uncle Bob or The New Car

Dear readers, if you never met my Uncle Bob then start
here. To know Uncle Bob is... well...maybe...to love him...but more likely... let's just say that you might have an Uncle Bob in your family tree too. Be nice now, as we are all capable of being Uncle or Aunt Bob's.
Yes, it's true... and it's true that my Dad taught me how to curse in good old everyday conversation, like when talking to my Uncle Bob. Trouble was, that my Uncle Bob and my Dad NEVER. EVER. had a good old everyday conversation.
I remember late in 1966, some months after fishing with Uncle Bob, when we drove over to see him in Fairfield, California. My Dad was so proud, driving that beautiful and new 1967 Chevrolet Chevelle station wagon. Upon our arrival my Dad's and Uncle Bob's good old everyday conversation went like this...

UNCLE BOB- Long time no see, FAT BOY! What in the hell is this?! A stinking *G* damned Chevy!!! It's a *G*damn Chevy station wagon!!! YOU WENT AND BOUGHT A *G*DAMN CHEVY STATION WAGON?! What in the hell is wrong with you?

DAD- Good to see your dumb ass too, Bob.

**That's the way it was for them. It was always that way. My Dad reminded Uncle Bob that not 2 months ago he had traded in his Chevy Corvair-Monza-Spider and bought a new car, but Bob didn't tell us what it was.

DAD- Well Bob, you already forget you drove a Chevy? That damned Chevy Corvair of yours, in which you almost took us on a once-in-a *G*damn lifetime scenic tour, off a damned cliff, and into the by-God depths of Lake Berry-fu*kin-essa?!

UNCLE BOB- I was just showing you all how well it *G* damned cornered, that's all! That snaking sum-bitch-of-a-road into Lake Berryessa proved it! And all the while towing a damned 16 foot boat and trailer, mind you! And that car weren't just some dumassed Chevy, either!
It was a Chevy Corvair-Monza-Spider! It was a "sportscar"! Highly respected at Laguna Seca Raceway, I'll have you fu*king know!

DAD- (Starts laughing, coughing, and choking)

Laguna Fu*kin Seca, MY ASS!!!!

(laughing & choking again)

UNCLE BOB- Enough of your shit! Look what I got!
(Uncle Bob slowly opens the garage door)

DAD- Shit, Bob! What the hell did you do...rob a *G*damned bank?

UNCLE BOB- Sweet, ain't it?

(To be continued)

Cussing with Dad or Cursing the Devil with Mom by jihadgene

Right off'n the get go, I want to tell you all, or y'all (Texas talk), that I do "occasionally" curse. Damn, I hope my Elder Sister Carol doesn't read this sh*t!. Usually, when I'm really pissed-off, I will "occasionally" use some rather "rough" language. Is pissed-off considered cursing? My Mom would say it is, but she was a Jehovah's Witness, and according to her if a kid didn't wash his neck and behind his little ears, then he most certainly wouldn't survive Armageddon. *F* that! If I dared say anything with the "S" word (SEX) my Mom would freek out and start prayin'. Awhile back I asked Elder Sister Carol if she thought Mom knew what oral sex was. Carol, being much older (with a bad ass-kickin knee), and admittedly much wiser, responded (after laughing her ass off) with a flat-out NO! I said... poor Dad... and then Carol pointed out that that well may have been a blessing for Dad. I gotta think she's right on this. After all, a song like "I'm too SEXY for my Shirt" would send Mom, straight-up, into a 5 day prayer-vigil and spiritual war with Satan's Demons. When supplied with a combat-load of Awake magazines and The New World Translation, she could send those cuss words & Demons straight back to where they came from! Anyways, my Dad, who was a US Marine, a fighter of Japs and malaria in WWII, pretty much taught me the Art of War (when pissed) and the Art of Cussing (when pissed). My Dad was pissed a lot. Dad also taught me how to curse in just good old everyday conversation, like when talking to my Uncle Bob. Trouble was that my Uncle Bob and my Dad NEVER. EVER. had a good old everyday conversation.
I remember in 1966 when we drove to Uncle Bob's in Fairfield, California in our beautiful new 1966 Chevrolet Chevelle station wagon. Their good old everyday conversation went like this...
(To be continued...damn it!!!)

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Four More Years! Blog d'Elisson Turns Four!

Blog d'Elisson is celebrating his 4th year of blogging! He's going strong! Hell, I'll be lucky to keep at it for four more days, really. What's his secret? I think it's the green pants with the martini glasses and shakers on them! As Parkway Rest Stop's Jimbo says, Keep strokin'!!!

Great Reader Green with Envy

WOWS! I'm just read a post by Drunken Wisdom here. I am fit to be tie-dyed! Him wents to Sands Antonio, Texass to a "BLODGEMEET"! He even met my Jooish Brogg Mother (Ericklaw) !
Now don'ts get me wong, I am happy...not crappy...for all who went. Just wish I coulda been there too. That's all. Somes day! Somes day. I'll be there! Just like that Tom Joad guy in the Grapes of Wrath...
" I'll be all around in the dark - I'll be everywhere. Wherever you can look - wherever there's a fight, so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be in the way guys yell when they're mad. I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're hungry and they know supper's ready, and when the people are eatin' the stuff they raise and livin' in the houses they build - I'll be there, too".

Yup. Green with envy. That's me today. I'm so ronery.
Great Reader KIM Jong IL

Friday, July 4, 2008

It's a 4th of July Friday! Let's Dance with the Troops!

Air Force, Army, Navy, Marines, and Coastguard...we dance with you!!!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

His Name is Shanon in Iraq

It's the 4th of July, Shanon. You're running missions with convoys or most likely working with Iraqi Police in some small outpost today. Did ya get some good chow? Something cool to drink? It's hot there, I know. Sand gets in everything. Commo workin'? Weapons functioning? Vehicle's good to go? No forgotten gear? First aid, all ready? Can ya rest? Need more clean socks? Baby wipes? I know you want to come home Shanon. I know you were caught up in that stop-loss shit...which means an involuntary extension for 10 more months, and in your case...all of it in Iraq. You didn't harp on it in your letters. This being your 2nd tour and all... I would have bitched to no end about that. But not you, Shanon. You're a class act. I'm proud of you. I never said it in an e-mail nor a letter, but we love you Shanon. Ben sent you the WWE wrestling magazine and I sent you the National Enquirer. Hope the Gator Aid powdered mix helps. Thanks, stay safe, and watch out for your fellow MP's.

Praying for you,

(I know Shanon through Soldiers Angels.)

4th of July in Star Trek Style

Pour me a space beer!!!

Dear KIM Jong IL

Dear KIM Jong IL-

Blogger Beloved Leader said...

This blog is very annoying and hard to read.

Deer Beruvved Reader-

What's a matta for U? My Engrish is purrfwectly good! EZ 2 read! If you wants annoying go listen to Michelle Obama.

Ruv You Looong Time!
Great Reader KIM Jong IL

Dear KIM Jong IL-

I love your blog, man!!! I find it very easy to read and refreshing when checking out my old haunts in Memphis!

Thank you very much!