Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving 2010 Uncle Jimbo

Meanwhile somewhere north of the smoldering South Korean island of Yeonpyeong we find Norf Korea'a Great Reader, KIM Jong IL studying closely his Chi-com computer screen...

KIM: Whaaattt?! This cannot be. No fookin' way Senor Jose! General Wang, come quick!!!

WANG- Right here Great Reader, Sir! What's the problem, Sir? Are the South Koreans counter-attacking?

KIM- Who da hell is Leader of the United Steaks...George DoubleWoo Bush or Bawack Whosenamed Obama?

WANG- Obama is, Sir.

KIM- no more talks of counters attacking. The problem is not war. The ploblem is right there!
(pointing at You Tube of Uncle Jimblow)

WANG- Great One, I saw this video earlier but I saw nothing out of the ordinary.

KIM- You saws nothing out of the ordinary but did you possibility hears somesthing out of the ordinary?

WANG- Out of the ordinary, Great Reader...well...Uncle J was rather pleasant...

KIM- And....and...???

WANG- He was rather nice and rather thankful...

KIM- And he didn't even mudder-pucking cuss!!! Not one time! You knows what's I'm thinks???!!! I'm tells ya what I'm thinks...that red, white, and brew... Special Courses Queen Beret is using a stunt double!!! You know hows I'm do's it, General Wang!

WANG- Yes, I do know, Sir.

KIM- Yes, like when I'm sick in hospital...or laying low because the wife is pissed about my Joy Brigade leaving undergarments beneath the sofa cushions...or when I didn't want to go to school....or like the time when when I didn't want to eat rice again for dinner.

WANG- Then why is Uncle Jimbo using a double, Sir?

KIM- Hmmm?... Put The People's Glorious Starving Army on TRIPLE RED ALERT!!!

WANG- Yes, immediately, Great Reader! But why?

KIM- If that's not Uncle Jimblow on Yoo Tube then there are only 2 places he could be...

WANG- Two places, Sir?

KIM- He's either coming to Norf Korea to kick my ass or he's at the airport impersonating a TSA agent.

WANG- My money's on the airport, Sir.

KIM- Perhaps. Cancel the alert, General Wang. And General Wang...

WANG- Yes, Great Reader?

KIM- Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

It's 3AM Mr President

Meanwhile it's 3:00AM and we find the President not on vacation, for once, but at the White House, in bed. The telephone rings...

TELEPHONE: (ringtone: Cheech & Chong's "Earache My Eye")

BARACK: ZzzzZzzz....

MICHELLE: zzz...Huh? (elbows Barack)

BARACK: Zzzz...

MICHELLE: Honey, wake up. It's the "RED" phone! (more elbowing)

BARACK: Okay-okay, I'm up. No more elbowing. Who the hell are you, Kobe Bryant?! Give me the phone, Mama.

MICHELLE: Here, asshole! (hands phone upside down).

BARACK: (holds phone upside down) What? I can barely hear ya. What...shelling in South Korea? Did you wake ME... "THE PRESIDENT"... up at 3AM... to tell ME..."THE PRESIDENT"... I looked like an ASS and BOMBED at the G20 Summit in Seoul???!!! WHO is this, anyway? Is that you Hillery???!!! I'll bet it's you! I got your number, BITCH! Did Bill put you up to this?!



Friday, November 19, 2010

It's Friday! Let's Dance!!!

It's Friday! Let's dance LOOONG time for the TSA!!!

In the Newz

Hi friends! Baghdad Bob Gibbs here with (pause like Paul Harvey)...the news! Today in The House of Representatives, Congressman Barney Frank recommended, due to numerous complaints against intrusive body scans and pat downs, that a new "titular head" of the T.S.A. be appointed. In a rare exhibition of true "BI" partisanship, Democrat Congressman Frank requested that former Republican Congressman Larry Craig be given the job. Frank was quoted as saying "Due to Congwessman Cwaig's 'wide stance' on security of airport bathrooms...I mean, sufferin' succotash... he'd be perfect for the job!"

Bill Clinton on Body Scans

Friday, November 5, 2010

It's Friday! Marines Lead! Let's Dance!!!

Okay, so the Marines are currently in the lead with donations for Project Valour-IT. It's a Friday and they finally catch up to the Army....big freekin' deal! Are we defeated, my friends? Damn, that sounded like John McCain. Oh well, where was I...oh yeah... they, the Marines, have finally cashed their welfare checks in and made some donations but soon they will have spent all their money on the pole dancers near Camp Pendelton and Parris Island. But we, my friends, we brave few, we at TEAM ARMY will dominate! Will will nuke those pukes LOOONG TIME! In honor of the Marines temporary victory I will be nice and play a dance video, made by some Aflac-can Americans, who are outfitted in "full" Marine Corps combat-bling uniforms for club-ing in (includes cute hats). It's Friday so click on "your team" to donate to Project Valour-IT and God breast TEAM MARINE, TEAM ARMY, TEAM NAVY, and TEAM AIR FORCE! Let's donate and dance!!! (Poles are optional)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Army Demotivator

Over at Villainous Company they are having a "Demotivator Contest" between the US Armed Forces. Project Valour-IT will be the ultimate winner in this! Here's my entry for the Army & Brigadier General Walsh who had to put up with Boxer's crap. Here's my entry...

Jackwagons Unite!

Friends over at Villainous Company reminded me of Project Valour-IT. Got some extra dough, Joe? Here's a way to put it to some really good use. We have a lot of wounded troops,as of late, due to stepped up operations in southern Afghanistan. Medevacs are TWICE the number they were last year. A bunch of those wounded troops could use a voice activated laptop to give them some independence by using the computer themselves and not having to depend too much on others. Sending e-mails to friends and family means a lot. Ever been in a hospital for several days or more? Know how it is...sleeping when you can...or need to...and waking up to find cards from visitors you missed because you were so out of it? Project Valour-IT offers just the ticket! Communication for when a wounded Soldier, Sailor, Airman, or Marine needs and feels up to it. These voice activated laptops do wonders for the morale of our wounded heroes. I know they hate being called heroes but...they ARE!!! Our troops deserve the very best! Please give. Hell, I don't even care which branch of service you donate to, as long as it goes to Project Valour-IT. Click HERE for Army. HERE for Navy. HERE for Air Force. HERE for Marines. God bless you and thanks for your support!!! Always remember that Great Reader ruv's you Jack's Wagons all a VERY LOOONG TIME!!!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

KIM Jong IL Fixes California Border

Meanwhile somewhere north of the South Korean Imjin Rio Grande, we find Norf Korea's Great Reader, KIM Jong IL contemplating California's illegal alien problems...

KIM: That's it, General Wang!

WANG: What's it, Great Reader Sir?

KIM: Advertising will fix Califloornia's illweegull aliens pwoblem!

WANG: Sir, what kind of advertising could possibly fix California's illegal alien problem?

KIM: False advertising!

WANG: False advertising, O' Great One?

KIM: Yes. My plan is simple as My Simon! Koweefornia only needs to put up a sign on her southern border with Mexicrow!

WANG: A sign, Sir?

KIM: Yes, a sign...but not just any sign! This will be a sign that will confuse the Green Card Challenged masses! With this sign...Coweefloornia will soon have all those uninsured democrat voting motorists, paddling their way through the desert sands, headed back south!

WANG: What could a sign possibly say to produce such a reaction, Great Reader?

KIM: "Welcome to Oregon".

WANG: Sir, you have too much free time on your hands.

KIM: I'm knows.