Friday, April 1, 2011

Why I RUV April Fool's Day

Love American VS Korean Style #19

If you joined us late in this epic tale of love and comedic tragedy then get up to speed by reading previous installments of "Love American VS Korean Style...
In Part 1- I met the girl I would marry. Her name is Kim and RUV is in the air!!!
In Part 2- Spent all my money on a MASTER PLAN to set up a birthday party that would put me with Kim.
In Part 3- Stupid master plan FAILS!Kim gets puked on by drunk Birthday Boy. Kim leaves. I am miserable.
In Part 4- Korean Grandmothers (Shaman) take pity on me. We Kamikaze in a taxi to Kim's. Grandma's sitting on my lap crushing my huevos. I may never have children.
In Part 5- I survive the taxi ride. The Grandmothers tell me they will fix all. I must return to base. I can't beat the midnight curfew but I damn sure try.
In Part 6- Suicide ride on a bus bumper. Crash. Injuries and more. Concussion too! Police chase! Escape & Evade!
In Part 7- Climb a telephone pole. Steal a bike with one wheel. Make my Great Escape!
In Part 8- Ride bike into a Banjo-Ditch (sewage). Another concussion and a laceration on the forehead. I crawl out and am captured by the ROK Army, then returned to base.
In Part 9- Got stitches/medical treatment at 0130 hours. Later that AM, a meeting with Military Police 1SG Black Thunder Johnson. Made an Ambassador to South Korea. Run to Motor Pool for a jeep.
In Part 10- Bicycle recovered. I fall into the banjo ditch. 1SG YOON/1SG Johnson/Me and the Korean Grandfather have a Pow-wow. Intercultural relations rebuilt! Valuable lessons learned.
In Part 11- The First Sergeants have a meeting. I am cleaned up at a ROK Army wash point. We go to Kim's. I am OBAMA, to the Korean OPRAH's (Grandmothers). I SEE KIM! We are returning to base.
In Part 12- I return to Camp with the First Sergeant's, jeep, and bicycle. My squad members, the house boys, and I/we all ponder MY fate. We break for chow (lunch). I opt for a nap and am awoken by my Squad leader SSG OLY. Intro to Staff Sergeant Oly (The Big "O") and the infamous Three Beeps! Time has come...I head for the orderly room.
In Part 13- I report to the orderly room. My fate is suspended until the next day when I must report back to the First Sergeant with my Squad Leader. I am re-directed to the unit supply room and meet Sergeant James Wheeler.
In Part 14- Learn about ambassadorship, love of life, Korean orphanages, and about giving from the US Army's Santa Claus, Sergeant Jimmy Wheeler.
In Part 15- I was to meet my fate. But what was it? I was reassigned and given a "Special Assignment". But what was it? I didn't know.
In Part 16- My "Special Assignment" was to ride shotgun on the trash truck going through our Army base. I banged my head on the truck's handrail and limply fell to the ground. With Kotex applied to my forehead I was taken to the Evac Hospital and returned to my unit. I am a cross between Elvis, Audie Murphy, Evel Knievel, Sad Sack, Ralph Kramden, and a crash test dummy.
In Part 17- I meet with The Iron Empress of Korea and her man, Huey P. LeDew of Houma, Louisiana. A date with my KIM...the love of my life, is arranged.
In Part 18- I wait at the main gate to meet Kim and the LeDew's to taxi over to some park on our 1st date. I worry. Taxi is late, I think. What the heck happened to her?

So anyways... there I was at Gate#1. Camp Hialeah, in the Republic of Korea, April Fool's Day (April 1st) 1975. I have been waiting for my lovely Kim to arrive at the gate for our first official date. I was sooo excited! I was at the gate an hour and 15 minutes early. All these horrible thoughts raced through my mind like...Kim killed in a fiery car crash when coming to meet me...or that Kim was really a beautiful North Korean spy sent to break my heart and find out all the top secrets of the US Army's M151A1 (jeep)...or was this all some silly dream, one in which I would wake up in a United States full of illegal aliens waving Mexican flags, demanding even more health care, and stuck to serve under the leadership of a community organizer? Hell, Nixon and Ford were bad enough but soon I was to learn of Jimmy Carter. was none of that I quickly realized as the light blue Korean taxi stopped in front of Gate#1. Inside was my buddy PFC Huey P. LeDew of Houma, Louisiana. Huey told me in his cajun voice that the girls, my lovely Kim and the Iron Empress (Huey's wife), would "meet us at a big park on a hill some-damn-where overlooking the city of Pusan". I became panicked and flew off the handle saying "What the hell do you mean some-damn-where, Huey?!" Huey responded with a weak "I kind of remember where it is up on a hill around here." Huey begins looking east and west. I yell at Huey "There's hills all around this city! We're talking a city of more than 2 million people, Huey! Hell, 75% of South Korea is mountains! Don't you know where the hell we're going?! Holy crap! There's nothing but parks or cemeteries on most of the hills around here!" Like a conservative at a town hall meeting I just can't stop and I continue to get louder saying... "Here it is, my very first date with Miss Kim and you don't know where in the hell it is we are to meet them?! Do you have any idea how damn hard it was for me to get this far with Miss Kim...huh?!" Huey just smiled. I dived into Huey like an ACORN executive into a pool of stimulus cash, yelling "IT TOOK ME OVER 3 WEEKS! THREE WEEKS, HUEY! I FELL OFF THE BACK OF A PUSAN CITY BUS GOING 40 MPH FOR HER! I THREW IN WITH A BUNCH OF OLD KOREAN WITCHES FOR HER! I CLIMBED A TELEPHONE POLE EVADING ARREST BY THE KOREAN POLICE FOR HER! I GOT LOCKED AND LOADED ON BY THE R.O.K. ARMY WITH M-16's AND LIT UP BY THE TURRET OF AN M-60 TANK FOR HER! I STOLE A ONE WHEELED BICYCLE AND RODE IT DOWN INTO A BANJO DITCH FOR HER! I BLEW A MONTH'S PAY TO SET UP A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR SOME ASSHOLE JUST SO I COULD GET CLOSE TO HER! IT COST ME FOUR HUNDRED BUCKS, HUEY! FOUR HUNDRED! DID I, BY CHANCE, FAIL TO MENTION THE 3 OR MORE CONCUSSIONS AND THE FACT THAT I HAD TO HAVE MY HEAD STITCHED UP, NOT ONCE...BUT TWICE?! AND ALL THE WHILE, HUEY...ALL THE WHILE... THE MEDIC'S IN THE EVAC HOSPITAL LAUGHED AT ME! FOR GOD'S SAKES, HUEY...I'VE HAD A FEMALE M.P. HOLD A FUCKING KOTEX TO MY HEAD TO STOP THE BLEEDING BECAUSE I FELL OFF A GARBAGE TRUCK WHILE SALUTING OUR C.O. AND ALL BECAUSE OF THIS LOVELY GIRL, MY MISS KIM! ALL THIS WHILE MY FELLOW MP's LAUGHED THEIR ASSES OFF AT ME! I TELL YOU...I'M AS MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!"
Winded... I stopped to catch my breath. Now then. Composure regained. Like a republican stuck with having to vote for John McCain, I told Huey with a voice raw from yelling, that in no uncertain terms..." You are looking at a desperate man here, Huey. How can anyone be so foolish as to not know where"...wait a minute. Wait. a. minute. Just one stinkin' minute! It was then I realized Huey was grinning at me the whole time I was yelling and trying to keep himself from laughing his Bubba Gump ass off. Huey was playing a joke on me and now he broke out into one of those big guffawing southern fried laughs of his. I looked at our Korean chain-smoking taxi driver who was smiling and shaking his head like he was in on it. "Boy, I had you going" Huey bellowed! With that we were off to the park to meet the girls. Huey laughed his fool-head off the entire way.
Though it was a weekday it was pretty busy at the park's entrance. Anyway, there at the entrance, we see the girls! We walk the park together. I am completely in love with my Miss Kim. Kim and I walk together, no hand holding (too early for that) Huey and his beautiful wife are not far behind. I look back at Mrs Huey P. LeDew, The Iron Empress, who gives me a slight smile and an approving nod. It's a beautiful day! I break out my Kodak and it's time for pictures. I take pictures of Huey and The Iron Empress...of the girls...they take pictures of Huey and me...screw that! Time for Kim and I to take a picture of our first date together, April 1st 1975. I'm in heaven! Things are going so good now and I'm so fired up that I put my arm around Kim and she says in an angelic voice some Korean phrase or expression I've never heard or noticed before. She said, "I Goo."
It sounded beautiful to me! As we went through the park I got lots of "I goo's" out of her as I put my arm around her for photos. It sounded like I was really sweeping her off her feet the way she said it. I'm excited! The sun is shining. Finally, the Iron Empress (Huey's wife) took me aside and told me to quit putting my arm around her. As regal and lovely as The Iron Empress was... I challenged her, I said..."But she keeps saying "I Goo". That means she likes it, in Korean, right?" The Empress smiled, shook her regal head no, and told me "I Goo" was the Korean equivalent of Huey's saying "Oh Shit". I thanked Her Majesty for the Korean lesson and thought "I Goo".

A few weeks later Saigon, South Vietnam fell into the hands of the enemy (John Kerry supporters) and I proposed to the lovely
Miss Kim. Stay tuned as this Korean love story ain't over yet. JG;)

*It really be us JihadGene & Miss Kim 4-01-1975


USA_Admiral said...

Great memory! Great Image too.

I think I may try to find an oldie of the Mrs. and I too.

I found you on Facebook too!

innominatus said...

Since it is April 1, all the blogs are trying to bring the funny. But your red-letter rant is the best I've seen so far.

Kid said...

What a pleasure to come back and find chapter 19. This thing was chock full of humor.

And that is one beautiful girl and Gene you're looking good too. No it's not like that damnit!

Anyway, keep em coming.

JihadGene said...

USA_A: Right on USA_Admiral! See ya on FB!

Innominatus- Thanks LOOONG time!!!

Kid- Thanks, Kid! She's a wonderful girl for sure!!!

pamibe said...

Happy Anniversary!!! Love you both looong time!

Looking forward to Chapter 20!

Six said...

Wow! I love this story. I'm going back and reading every one. And let me add what a handsome rascal you were Gene. And the lovely Mrs. Gene is an absolute knockout. No wonder it was Ruv at first sight!
Keep 'em coming.