Caffeine Criminal Advice and Forrest Gump

DATELINE: Fresno, California "Drive-by Country": It seems Fresno has a crazed middle-aged male, named Charles Burkhalter, who is a Red Bull thief on the loose LOOONG time!!! Dude has stolen more than $1,000 worth of Red Bull from local Stop-n-Rob convenience markets. He wears a Red Bull shirt and carries a clipboard, claiming he is "swapping out" old inventories of the drink. Charles, you dumb ass LOOONG time!!! If you read my blog...Charles...and you probably do...based upon the fact that you are totally twisted and apparently can read the words "RED" and "BULL". Charles, get your shit together! If you're gonna take the chance to do the time for a crime...then do it right! Get a Forrest Gump green colored sun-visor and a matching green apron. Then... using your trusty clipboard...hit up the nicer grocery stores around Fresno for Starbucks coffee and drink products! If the Forrest Gump thing works for ya...I say, go for a two-fer and swipe some jumbo shrimp while you're at it! Geeez, man!! Think of it LOOONG time!!! Shrimp burger and a grande latte...shrimp cocktail and a Frappuccino...shrimp gumbo and a tall Tazo Joy tea...shrimp blah-blah-blah...and a blah-ha-ha...

*thanks to Matt (BLACKFIVE) for the inspiration of this post LOOONG time!!!

KIM Jong IL Advises Tiger Woods

Great Reader of Norf Korea, KIM Jong IL has advised the once great golfer,Tiger Woods, to hire actor Charlie Sheen in order to help Woods overcome his "losing slump". In an exclusive interview, Norf Korean Newz asked our Great Reader, "How could Charlie Sheen possibly help Tiger Woods?" KIM Jong IL replied, "Winning LOOONG time....Duh!!!" JG;)

Charlie Sheen Seeks Help

Troubled actor, Charlie Sheen, today hired professional help for counseling on sexual addictions. It is unknown, the amount Charlie has agreed to pay Tiger Woods.

Great Reader RUV's you LOOONG time ;)

Two Libyan Pilots Go AWOL

Meanwhile somewhere at a Libyan Air Ports Base we find Lance Corporal Colonel Gaddafi 's Air Force pilots, Habeeb and Clifford, in a most serious discussion....

Habeeb :But I think he's right! In fact, I just saw Colonel Gaddafi's latest You Tube interview. He has proclaimed the skies over Libya are 100% more safe right now, than flying on a Delta flight outta Fresno even after being felt-up by the TSA criminals!

Clifford: More safe, my moose-limb ass! Dude don't know the difference between a Shitzu and some granola!

Habeeb: Don't speak of our great leader like that!

Clifford: Did he do the You Tube at night again?

Habeeb: Yes.

Clifford: Was it raining?

Habeeb: Well, no.

Clifford: Was he dressed like a Libyan Librarian Lady and carrying the umbrella again?

Habeeb: Yes. Yes, he was.

Clifford: So...???

Habeeb: Damn.

Kadafi's Song a Hit in North Korea

It's a rainy Sunday out here on the DMZ just norf of Bakersfield. Reminds me of the latest #1 "HIT" song now playing in Pyongyang. Enjoy, have a great Sunday, and drag your raggedy carcasses to church! I'm odors you!! Oh yeah...remember that Great Reader RUV's the US troops and their families a VERY LOOONG TIME so keep 'em in your prayers!!!

KIM Jong IL Sings to Kadafi! It's Friday!! Let's Dance!!!

Heck of another week flew right by me. Please keep our troops in your prayers and especially our wounded and all our military family members. Today's "Let's Dance" is a Commie Doors tune, rewritten by Great Reader- JihadGene and dedicated to Pvt Kadafi in Libya. So without further a-due here's the KIM Jong IL chorus singing...

"Three Times A CRAZY"

Tanks for the times
That you've given me
The memories of you

out your mind
And now that you've come
To the end of your road, Bro
There's somes thing
I'm must say out ROUD

You're once, twice
Tree times a cray-gee
Yes you're once, twice
Tree times more cray-gee

And I'm RUV you

When we was to-gedder
The WMD's I'm cherish
With every bleat of a sheep
Obama can't touch you or Eric Holder you
Tell him, "O" fruck you!
There's nothing to keep our axis apart
You're once, twice,
"Two and a Half Men"

a cray-gee
And I RUV you
I'm RUV's you...

(LOOONG TIME!!!)

Birthdays and Jehovah

Today is my Mom's birthday. But before you go and think I am going to get all smushy-mushy about it, you can stop right there. I haven't written much in awhile but my deceased mom's, Jehovah H. God, has inspired me to do just that. Some kids were lucky and had moms that were kleptomaniacs or alcoholics. Not us. No such luck. Ya see, my mom was a Jehovah's witness. She was a door knocker! A bell ringer! A waker-upper and an interrupter!! A purveyor and peddler of Watchtower and Awake magazines, was she!!! ALL Praise Jehovah!

When I was a little guy she would drag some of us kids along with her spreading the word of the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of Brooklyn, NY... in hopes of getting fewer doors slammed in her face, I guess. Or cussed out, I reckon. Clearly she was not one of those heathen unbeliever's who's ass was doomed from the get-go of Armageddon! Nope. You would never find a crucifix, rosary, Christmas tree, or a birthday cake or candle, anywhere's in my "Mom's House of Jehovah God". Can I get an amen from you Sisters and Brothers out there? Oh yeah! Well, that was my Mom's stand on birthdays. Well...except for "HER" birthday.

My awakening about my mom's birthday was around the end of February or the beginning of March 1962. It was then I recall my mom first would start dropping us kids subtle hints. Hints like saying... "Gift wrapping paper is now on sale now at our local Sprouse Reitz Variety Store!"...or saying "I could really use a new pen and pencil set to take notes with at the Kingdom Hall."...or maybe saying that she could sure use a new book bag (to carry all her damn Watchtower and Awake magazines in). When it came down to crunch time, that is...when it was the night before her birthday, she prayed with us to Jehovah God telling us (as usual) to give thanks to such a loving God who would spare us (but not those rotten neighbor kids) from heaven's fire raining down upon our unwashed asses, come the time of Armageddon. Then... in a Charlie Sheen moment...she would start humming "Happy Birthday to You". Happy birthday, Mom!

I guess blogging is work of the Devil. Oh well. JG;)