Saturday, February 14, 2009

Love American VS Korean Style #15

In the beginning...
In Part 1- I met the girl I would marry. Her name is Kim and RUV is in the air!!!
In Part 2- Spent all my money on a MASTER PLAN to set up a birthday party that would put me with Kim.
In Part 3- Stupid master plan FAILS!Kim gets puked on by drunk Birthday Boy. Kim leaves. I am miserable.
In Part 4- Korean Grandmothers (Shaman) take pity on me. We Kamikaze in a taxi to Kim's. Grandma's sitting on my lap crushing my huevos. I may never have children.
In Part 5- I survive the taxi ride. The Grandmothers tell me they will fix all. I must return to base. I can't beat the midnight curfew but I damn sure try.
In Part 6- Suicide ride on a bus bumper. Crash. Injuries and more. Concussion too! Police chase! Escape & Evade!
In Part 7- Climb a telephone pole. Steal a bike with one wheel. Make my Great Escape!
In Part 8- Ride bike into a Banjo-Ditch (sewage). Another concussion. I crawl out and am captured by the ROK Army, then returned to base.
In Part 9- Medical treatment at 0130 hours. Later that AM, a meeting with Military Police 1SG Black Thunder Johnson. Made an Ambassador to South Korea. Run to Motor Pool for a jeep.
In Part 10- Bicycle recovered. I fall into the banjo ditch. 1SG YOON/1SG Johnson/Me and the Korean Grandfather have a Pow-wow. Intercultural relations rebuilt! Valuable lessons learned.
In Part 11- The First Sergeants have a meeting. I am cleaned up at a ROK Army wash point. We go to Kim's. I am OBAMA, to the Korean OPRAH's (Grandmothers). I SEE KIM! We are returning to base.
In Part 12- I return to Camp with the First Sergeant's, jeep, and bicycle. My squad members, the house boys, and I/we all ponder MY fate. We break for chow (lunch). I opt for a nap and am awoken by my Squad leader SSG OLY. Intro to Staff Sergeant Oly (The Big "O") and the infamous Three Beeps! Time has come...I head for the orderly room.
In Part 13- I report to the orderly room. My fate is suspended until the next day when I must report back to the First Sergeant with my Squad Leader. I am re-directed to the unit supply room and meet Sergeant James Wheeler.
In Part#14- Learn about ambassadorship, love of life, Korean orphanages, and about giving from the US Army's Santa Claus, Sergeant Jimmy Wheeler.

It's 1100hours, a training day for the Military Police squad I belong to, and I am in now inside the First Sergeant's Office with my Squad Leader, Mr Gutlessworrywart from the STOOOPID STATE of MAINE...Staff Sergeant OLY. Now I have never been to Maine...but I met two people from there and both were total Dipwads! How the hell they won the battle at Little Round Top...with these state of Maine mutants, I'll never know! I guess all the in-breeding over the years took it's toll. Enough on the state of Maine where the state flower is called a white pine cone! Now who in the hell would have a stinkin' white pine cone for a state flower? That's almost as screwed up as having a Chickadee for a state bird. What can I say? Maine sucks moose milk. Now on to business...Where the Hell was I? Oh, I was sitting in U.S. Army First Sergeant B.T. (Black Thunder) Johnson's office where my fate had already been decided or was still being determined by the First Sergeant. I was an M.P., a Specialist 4th class (E-4), who really had his shit pretty-much together. I say pretty together because up until this point, when I first saw and instantly fell in love with KIM, I had it pretty much together... like I said, but love can make you do strange things. Strange things indeed...

Say like... spending all your money to set up a birthday party for someone you hardly know just to be with this KIM girl. Then take an "Incheon 500" ride in a tiny taxi with 11 Korean Grandma's (all of 'em Shaman/witches) with four of 'em sitting on your lap, grinding their butts into your nuttsack, face 'n elbows, and assorted other body parts, in a 3 cylindered Hyundai doing 110 MPH through bomb crater sized pot-holes and the banjo-ditch lined roads of Pusan, South Korea in the merry month of March in the Year of Somebody's Lord,1975. I know of such things as the love of wine, women, and song...or say the love of money...or chocolate, or beer-and-pizza, or the rotten Pittsburgh Steelers, but this was was a call of the wild. I was on fire inside. How do I put my feelings for the lovely Kim into words? Well, I'll try...

When I was a kid I would watch Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom with Marlin Perkins. Some of you may remember that...some too young and tender and may not know of which I speak/habla. Anyhowze...that sucked up and gray-haired old fart, Marlin Perkins, would come on and say some weird stuff like..."As the 3 Legged Gazelle limps it's way home from the prairie filled with too could and should have some insurance on your funky butt". Now while I admit Marlin didn't sound quite exactly like that, you still get my drift..right? He's gotta make a living and has to pimp Mutual of Omaha life insurance. Well, in my love-sick case he would have said this... " Just like the Five-Peckered Mottled Muscled Musk Ox with a "stiffy" in search for his mate, JihadGene is in a seemingly never ending pain-filled search for more than just a date"!

So like I said... love makes one do strange things. It made me late in returning to my army camp before curfew. It made me hitch a ride on the back of a bus bumper, and get thrown off into the dirt. Love bloodied me. Gave me concussions. Made me a thief! It got me stitches! A stealer of one wheeled bicycles! A swimmer of banjo ditches! A climber of telephone poles! It was love that made me a fugitive who was running from the unjust justice of a Korean National Policeman's white colored nightstick! All this, only to be "lit up" by the spotlight of a R.O.K. Army tank! It was love that had me face ROK Army soldiers locked and loaded with M-16's pointed at my stupid grinning ass! I was bloodied! Bloodied by love! Damn it, I was battered by love...but just like some in the US Senate...I didn't give a rat's ass about anyone or anything else! I just wanted my reward and I wanted it NOW! I wanted Kim. I had to be with her come hell or high heels. Hell, I would have worn heels if I thought it would have helped my case with her! I told the First Sergeant this. My Squad Leader, SSG Oly, put his head in his big old bear-paw sized hands and looked sick. My 1SG broke out in a laugh. Cool, I thought.

Now I was thinkin' that maybe, just maybe, I would receive no punishment at all for this. Why...I got it going on! I thought. I even got a special assignment! That's what First Sergeant Johnson told me anyway. It included special stuff for this very special assignment. That's me, I thought. Special Stuff. Don't-ya-know my assignment was all very hush-hush, or so I was told. Even the orders, of which I was forbidden to see, allegedly came down from 8th Army HQ in Yongsan or was it through Battalion HQ up in Taegu?! Whatever. That was a long time ago and I forgot. Anyway... I was to report (again) to Sgt Jimmy Wheeler in the supply room, for my very special equipment and even some kind of special uniform, I was told. I would not be doing my usual duties as a Military Policeman and effective as of right then and there, I was reassigned to the Provost Marshall's Office. I am in "The Big Time".
Man, everything is coming up roses!
Happy Valentine's Day!!! JG ;)


Cappy said...

Wasn't Mutants from the State of Maine a 50's horror flick?

joated said...

Oy! This should be one heck of an assignment!

Hey! At least you didn't volunteer.

Anonymous said...

Man I can't wait to get the poop on this new assignment !

And that was some great TV wasn't it? Sea Hunt.. The Rifleman.. head em up move em out - head em out move em up Rawhide!...The Flying Nun. No wait scratch that last one!

Then the Steelers winning the Super Bowl year after year after year. Them's was the days.

PS - That Kim sure is a lovely young lady.

And yes, every last lousy stinkin stupid thing I've ever done in my life was the result of the influence of the Femme Fatale. Or Alcohol.


pamibe said...

Arrgghhh... you always quit just when it's getting good! Just write the damn book and we'll all buy a copy! LOL!

Happy late Valentine's Day to you and the missus! :D

Anonymous said...

You reminded me of a funny story...

When at Ft. Hood, my guy friends wanted to play a joke on me. They tied me to the bed and were armed with squirt guns. I wasn't laughing as I had not a clue to their true intent.

" Marlin Perkins only wants to stun the water buffalo!" they cried as they fired the squirt guns...
I dissolved into fits of laughter as they soaked me sillier. I won the wet t-shirt contest, too!! heh.

JihadGene said...

I think you are on to something.

stay tuned.

I'm with ya!

Books are for kids and what the judge throws at ya.

You're a mean hoot!

Teresa said...

LOL - I agree with Pam - you sure know how to hang us on those cliffs...*grin*

JihadGene said...

Yes I do!

Maeve said...

Any one ever tell you that you are a big tease???
When are you going to finish this?

JihadGene said...


Just for you, the Reader's Digest condensed version of "Ruv American vs Korean Style"

Gene and Kim fall in love. Get married.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Stop Dissin my Steelers man! ;)

Jacksonahuo said...

Any one ever tell you that you are a big tease??? When are you going to finish this? LOL!