Sunday, December 21, 2008
Merry Christmas STOOOPID!!!
That's right folks... Santa came early this year to our Mom 'n Pop Gangbanger & Urbanwear Clothing Store in the form of about 5 black & whites (cop cars) and 6 bored Police Officers. In our town the one time you do not want to steal anything out of our store is on a Sunday at 12 noon. You see, the local Cops are really bored on the Sunday day-shift because most of the punk-ass criminals (some of which are my highly valued customers) who were up to no good on Saturday night/early Sunday morning are already in jail...or in the hospital, or still asleep, or are found dead in some orchard or vineyard. That's how I see it, anyway. What I'm saying here is that the Police Officers in our town have a slow shift on Sundays until it gets dark, if even then.
So into our lovely mercantile (ghetto store) walks a valued customer, also known as a piece of shit, who has previously stolen some clothing from us, and he runs out the door with another bargain. The wife and I are off on Sunday and have good employee's who take care of things when we're gone. Sooo...Mr Valued Customer walks in for some last-weekend-before-Christmas-shoplifting, grabs an Oakland Raider Jacket (stinkin' Raider's), valued at $165 retail, and commences to run out the door almost trampling over one of our clerks. Mr Valued customer is 18 or 19 years of age and is in good "running shape" as he has no car, nor a bicycle, nor even a skateboard to make his get-away on...the poor soul. Now, not only do you "not" want to steal stuff on any given Sunday from my store, in my town, but you damn sure don't want to do it at around 12 noon on a Sunday if you live across the railroad tracks from the place where you just stole the shit from. Seems that at noon on Sunday's there's always a good and long Southern Pacific freight train that runs by our store about then, just like clock-work. I used to hate those trains until now. I don't know, call it dumb luck or Murphy's law, or perhaps our valued customer (thief) was not aware of the time... but as he makes his run for home, the freight train is making it's run, headed towards Bakersfield. My employees see that our valued customer (dirt bag) and "penny-wise shopper" has run parallel to the train tracks (now occupied by the train) and he seems a bit discouraged. Aww...sweet youth... he runs on! Yes, he runs on, on, and ON! He runs on right past a police car at the nearby train station, just when the Officer in the car is receiving the call from Dispatch about the theft. The thief runs. The Officer wisely gives chase in his police car and promptly radio's for other bored police officer's in the area (happily most just so happen to be on this side of the tracks) to assist in the apprehension of our valued customer, now known in main stream media circles as... "A Person of Interest". Our valued customer and "bargain hunter" is throwing off pieces of clothing to "change his appearance" but hangs on to the highly prized Oakland Raider's Official NFL jacket. He jumps over a back yard fence, and another fence, and yet another fence, until he finds himself alone in the back yard of a "a lover of large dog's". Apparently our valued customer is no lover of Rottweiler's and was about to be eatin' alive. Ooooh, sweet youth. Our valued customer-turned-athlete hurdled a six foot fence with my store's Oakland jacket into the waiting arms of the police. Gee I wonder if he will get to see the Raider's VS Houston game in jail this afternoon? Thanks Santa!!! (Cops too!!!)