Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Uncle Bob on the Good, the Bad, and the Pope

I think it was April 1968 ...we saw a lot of Uncle Bob then
(tell you why at a later time)...I was age 13 and my brother Joe was about 16.
My Dad was telling Uncle Bob how Joe had gotten his ass royally beat in a game of craps, by a friend of his named Eugenio. Uncle Bob immediately flew straight-up outta his Lazy Boy recliner, spilled his beer, and began cursing all godless-heathen Portuguese people from here, which at the time was Fairfield, California to the Azores! He went on to say how you can never trust a heathen tight-wadded "Portagee", to all of us. Joe took it all in stride, just smiled, and stated Eugenio's family came from Mexico. Well, then.... Uncle Bob went really ballastic (again) and began cursing all godless heathen Mexican's, and their friends the Portuguese, from Fairfield, California all the way to the South by-god Pole, back up North to Alaska, and included the California counties of Solano (where Bob lived) and the San Joaquin(where we lived)! It kinda sounded like some sort of a twisted prayer. Uncle Bob's voice then took on a quality of snottiness and inquired as to what kinda fruit did Eugenio's family pick, that is, when they were not busy picking pockets?! Joe said Eugenio's father was a Catholic Priest. Uncle Bob's jaw dropped. It just dropped. After about a one Mississippi...two Mississippi...three Mississippi count, he turned redder than beet-red. Uncle Bob began doing double-back flips, as if possessed, cursing all godless-heathen Mexican Catholic Priest's, their heathen families, and that by-god heathenistic dago-assed Pope, that all the sum-bitchin' Catholic's of Mexico and Portugal, is so fond of!!! I've never seen anyone who could rant like that, well...except my Mom, when she was preaching Jehovah God's love for us and threatening us with Armageddon if we dared cross the word of Jehovah. Anyway, Joe smiled. Uncle Bob wanted to know what Joe, in the by-god-hell, was smiling about?! Joe looked at our Dad, then turned and looked at Uncle Bob and said, "There is good and bad in the world. It can come from inside or out of, most anything. Even from within one's own family". Joe smiled that nervous smile. A fine smile, it was. I knew what he meant. We were lucky, alright. We got Dad, and not Uncle Bob for a dad. I beamed. My Dad grinned at us. Uncle Bob told my Dad, "You got some weird ass kids there. They talk like some kinda god-damned hippies. I never understand what in the hell they are talking about". Dad said, "Yeah Bob and that's just fine". Uncle Bob looked puzzled. Dad smiled and handed Uncle Bob another Miller High Life. Bob thanked him for the cold one and sat back down in the Lazy Boy recliner. Another lesson learned with Uncle Bob.


none said...

I had an uncle bob too. We just thought it was funny when he went on his rants.

I was never offended even though he was disparaging 3/4 of my family tree I guess it's all in the delivery ;D

Anonymous said...

Well that couldn't have been a very GOOD Catholic priest if he had a kid and all that.

Joe was an old soul, wasn't he?
He seems like he noticed way more than he pointed out.

I'm the one that rants in my house... about G-D yankee gummint bew-ro-crats and democrats.


Anonymous said...

I never realized how much Uncle Bob looked like Carroll O'Conner!
I knew Daddy sounded like Archie Bunker. And wasn't Mother the perfect Edith?
Love you anyway,
Gloria and the Meathead

JihadGene said...

Carol- Stifle it! Yep, Uncle Bob really did resemble Archie in appearance and opinion. I love you too!

Hammer- Uncle Bob was cool most times, I mean a happy drunk and all. Sometimes not so much. Like all of us are capable of.

Deltabravo- Keep it up and I'm gonna have to call you Aunt DeltaBobvo!
Joe was very bright and sensitive. He took life too seriously in his last days. He held way too much inside. I made him laugh sometimes. I hope he's laughing at what I wrote about Uncle Bob.
PS Love your comments on Black Five, so keep on rollin'!

Maeve said...

Your uncle Bob sounds a lot like my grandfather when it came to racial slurrs and stereo typing.
As a young girl in Detroit I heard A LOT of disparaging remarks.