Friday, November 27, 2009

It's Black Friday! Let's Dance!!!

Well it's brown...I mean, Black Friday and I have re-written a song for all of you who laugh at the early bird shoppers like me! Yes, I was out there and in the zone! That is until the Thanksgiving dinner decided it was time for me to purge. Oh's Friday so let's dance to CCR's "Run Through the Jungle" somewhat rewritten by JihadGene. Enjoy and if you have a shopping tune please leave a link in comments and remember that the Great Shopping Reader ruv's you LOOONG time!!! Now where the hell's the Imodium AD?
(*I dedicate this song to Mr Crap Blogger Extraordinaire ELISSON and to the lovely TAMMI who's Mama Vi works as a greeter in a Wal*Mart!)


Whoa, parking lot was a nightmare
Low prices callin' you!
Greeter told me, "Don't go walkin' slow
WalMart shoppers on the loose!"

Better run through the WalMart!
Better run through the WalMart!
Better run through the WalMart!
I'll save greenbacks, you'll see!!!

Turkey had my belly rumblin'
Toilets called my name
Two hundred million Mexicans in the restroom
Satan laughed at my pain!!!

Better drive to my bathroom!
Better drive to my bathroom!
Better drive to my bathroom!
I'm sportin' a turtle-head, ya see?!!!

Over in my Toyota
With bowels about done broke
I floored my FJ Cruiser now
My ass be blowin' smoke!!!

Better run through the red lights!
Better run through the red lights!
Better run through the red lights!
Whoa, Don't you Cops be stoppin' me!!!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving Memories

JihadGene here with a Thanksgiving memory from the 1960's. As I looked back into my childhood, I had a hard time finding a nice Thanksgiving one. It's kind of hard to have joyful California Thanksgiving memories when your Mom was a devout Jehovah's Witness. Mom was always sitting on "pins and needles" waiting for Armageddon to come. That would be when my Mom's loving Jehovah God would lay waste to all or most of our neighborhood and kill off a few dozen of my best friends in a holy fire of rain and if she (Mom) was lucky, she'd get to see Jehovah open up the ground and swallow up worldly people by the house-load! Hell yeah!!! Yes, Thanksgiving in California was a special time I guess. Well, it really was special as we had no school on a Thursday and my Dad was home from work, yelling at us kids as we ran outside, to "Shut the Goddamn door so you won't let any of the Goddamn flies out!" Dad hated was a thing left over from WWII and his having been a US Marine on Guadalcanal during that time. Our house was located near a Spreckles sugar factory and stockyard in Manteca, California. We had flies and good weather pretty much year round! Dad was always armed with a fly swatter to smack flies with. Mom only packed a swatter to hit us kids with. Dad had malaria but he never cursed the mosquitoes. Like many Marines in that hell hole, Dad eventually contracted malaria and was shipped out to some other island, so I guess that's why he never cursed the mosquitoes. Mosquitoes were his ticket outta Guadalcanal and away from getting bombs dropped down on him from some Mitsubishi (Betty) bombers. Dad hated the very word, Mitsubishi, because of this... yet I never heard him curse a mosquito. Now, back to Thanksgiving! I remember Thanksgiving 1966 for this if nothing Dad bought the most hideous turkey the free world has ever seen! He got it dirt cheap and believe me as a Texas kid raised on a farm during the meant everything!! Guys like my Dad helped make China and the WalMart's what they are today!!!

"Imagine if you will (sounding like Rod Serling) a Thanksgiving turkey from a fifth dimension, beyond ugly which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as a Butterball. It is the middle ground between light and dark meat, between culinary science and superstition. It is a turkey with the top one 3rd of it's breast/chest area removed as if with a chainsaw. A Doctor Mengele hack job leaving only a hideous gaping hole on top with the legs in their normal upright position. It was the stupidest looking Thanksgiving turkey anyone had ever seen."

I was only a 12 year old boy back then but Jehovah God... I knew f@cking stupid when I saw f@cking stupid!!! Holy shit! Did I tell you my Dad loved stuffing? Why, hell yes he loved stuffing...being as my Mom was the world's worst cook and the only things she could make were beans with cornbread and burned bird with an asbestos stuffing! I won't even talk about her burnt pancakes with the pudding-filled middles. Where was I? Oh... My Dad loved stuffing and as I saw it this butchered bird was his ticket into my Mom's New World (Jehovah's Witness code for heaven or Utopia) because inside of that gigantic bird's chain-sawed crater my Mom had filled it with about 50lbs of Safeway stuffing. In leveling it
(the stuffing) with a Sears Craftsman hand trowel my Mom made that turkey look like a tabletop mountain with wings and legs or some kind of a birdworld aircraft carrier. Your choice. It was plain God awful ugly, folks! Worse yet, there was hardly any white meat! I loved the white! After bowing my head and faking a prayer to the Jehovah God who would off my friends, I quickly gave the illusion of eating and excused myself. As I ran out the door to a friend's house for Thanksgiving left-overs I remember my Dad yelling at me, "Don't let the Goddamn flies out!"
Happy Thanksgiving LOOONG time!!! JG;)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Word From Joe Biden

Now, as all of you know, I have been brainstorming with the President about the war in Adirondackistan. It is a costly war to say the least. I mean, have you seen those NY state taxes?! And the chairs those weirdos make up there... in their mountain caves... are about as uncomfortable as a Negro at a police lineup in Nacogdoches! It has therefore been decided that the American people will not support this war when facing a surtax. With that in mind, plus the fact that the Prez has been away in Kimchi-land showing off his barackwondo, I have recommended a war more palatable to the American people. My fellow Americans, I give you a new and more economical war! A war against an enemy that has sucked up all of Obama's air time on most major TV and cable news channels! A war against an enemy of both the Catholic Church and abortion rights activists! A foe that makes fun of Nuns! This enemy has even been seen in the company of BANDITS! I hereby announce that I, Big Joe Biden, propose to YOU... the people of the United States, that we immediately attack...and carpet-bomb with great prejudice...the hiding place of Miss Sally Field, in the country of Boniva! Our latest intel has her position fixed at the Roche Laboratories near a Fox News transmitting station. Thanks for your continued support and I'll notify the Air Force shortly. I love it when Obama's gone!!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving Iraq

A very happy Thanksgiving message to our troops stationed in Iraq!

And now a US Army Sergeant's song about his current duty station in Iraq. He may not be a sergeant or a You Tube rapper for much longer (once the Army finds out) so hurry up and put your hands together for Sgt Conklin doing "This Place Blows (IRAQ)". A happy Thanksgiving looong time to all our US Armed Forces...wherever you are!!!

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's Friday! Let's Dance!!!

From coast-2-coast...from far east to far west...our US Troops are the very best...LOOONG TIME!!! So get up outta that chair and dance with our troops like ya got a pair!!! It's Friday! Let's Dance like RockStars and God bless all our troops and their families, wherever they are in the world!!! HOOAH and HELL YEAH!!! Can I get a "Hell Yeah"?

Monday, November 16, 2009

Ben, Matt, and a Good Man

My SOUTH of Fresno son, Ben...wearing black shirt & white helmet... was violently attacked by a heathenish aggressor named Matt, wearing white, from the NORTH (Fresno) at the Marc Unger Karate Tournament in Exeter, CA.! There were many good battles and my son lost by one point. Matt was awarded the title of "Super Grand Champion" that day (Saturday, 11-14-09) and he truly deserved it! Ben and Matt are both 14 year olds. In the next few months there is a karate tournament in the scum-sucking North (Fresno). Ben's only wish is that Matt will not turn age 15 any-time-soon as Ben goes north to Pyongyang (Fresno) in hopes of a rematch in the next few months. It's on!!!

“Whatever your hand finds to it with all your might” (Eccl 9:10)

Now...I told you all this but I wanted to tell you too about Pastor Marc Unger. Mr Unger is a US Army National Guard Chaplain. His son, US Army National Guard Specialist, Daniel Unger was killed in Iraq (May 2004). Under fire, Daniel helped rush some Iraqi civilian workers to safety before seeking shelter for himself and was mortally wounded in the process. Spec Daniel Unger put others before himself and died helping others. He was posthumously awarded the bronze star for his bravery that day. At the Karate tournament there was recognition of active duty personel, their families, and our nation's veterans. An opening prayer was given by Mr Unger, the pledge of allegiance said, and our national anthem sung beautifully by a young lady. It was moving! If you want to read about a man making a difference then please read about Army Chaplain and black belt Karate instructor Marc Unger HERE.

God bless the Unger family, our troops and their families... looong time!!! JG

Friday, November 13, 2009

It's Friday! Let's Dance!!!

Though I am Army Strong...I gotta give it to the Navy for this music video. Give it up for those Sun Kings doing "Hey Ya", by Outcast! It's Friday! Let's dance!!! If you have a Friday dance tune leave it in comments and I'll drop in! Remember...
Great Reader RUV's YOU LOOONG TIME and have a wonderful weekend!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Veterans Day

Been out of the service (US Army) for over twenty years now but I still feel such a connection...or maybe it's a bond, I guess. Never was too much of a soldier. Didn't fight some enemy, other than drunk Soldiers and Marines while on M.P. duty. Still, I was a soldier. It's not a case of the older I get...the better I was. It's the experience of having served with fine men and women, some sorry ones too, but make no mistake...we are joined at the hip. When they hurt, we hurt. It's a little before sunrise and I will fly flags today at the entrance to our home as well as on the house itself. I'm proud of my country. Proud of our troops. If I get a tad pushy with the with it...and give me a wide berth. Take the time to thank a Vet and their family. My favorite Vet is at the cemetery. I miss you, Dad.

Friday, November 6, 2009

No Dance Friday

I am heart-broken, sickened, and angered at the news of yesterday's slaughter at Ft Hood. Our prayers go out to the families and friends of the deceased and wounded. God bless our troops and their families. Continue the mission. FIDO!