Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving Memories


JihadGene here with a Thanksgiving memory from the 1960's. As I looked back into my childhood, I had a hard time finding a nice Thanksgiving one. It's kind of hard to have joyful California Thanksgiving memories when your Mom was a devout Jehovah's Witness. Mom was always sitting on "pins and needles" waiting for Armageddon to come. That would be when my Mom's loving Jehovah God would lay waste to all or most of our neighborhood and kill off a few dozen of my best friends in a holy fire of rain and if she (Mom) was lucky, she'd get to see Jehovah open up the ground and swallow up worldly people by the house-load! Hell yeah!!! Yes, Thanksgiving in California 1966...it was a special time I guess. Well, it really was special as we had no school on a Thursday and my Dad was home from work, yelling at us kids as we ran outside, to "Shut the Goddamn door so you won't let any of the Goddamn flies out!" Dad hated flies...it was a thing left over from WWII and his having been a US Marine on Guadalcanal during that time. Our house was located near a Spreckles sugar factory and stockyard in Manteca, California. We had flies and good weather pretty much year round! Dad was always armed with a fly swatter to smack flies with. Mom only packed a swatter to hit us kids with. Dad had malaria but he never cursed the mosquitoes. Like many Marines in that hell hole, Dad eventually contracted malaria and was shipped out to some other island, so I guess that's why he never cursed the mosquitoes. Mosquitoes were his ticket outta Guadalcanal and away from getting bombs dropped down on him from some Mitsubishi (Betty) bombers. Dad hated the very word, Mitsubishi, because of this... yet I never heard him curse a mosquito. Now, back to Thanksgiving! I remember Thanksgiving 1966 for this if nothing else...my Dad bought the most hideous turkey the free world has ever seen! He got it dirt cheap and believe me as a Texas kid raised on a farm during the Depression...cheap meant everything!! Guys like my Dad helped make China and the WalMart's what they are today!!!

"Imagine if you will (sounding like Rod Serling) a Thanksgiving turkey from a fifth dimension, beyond ugly which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as a Butterball. It is the middle ground between light and dark meat, between culinary science and superstition. It is a turkey with the top one 3rd of it's breast/chest area removed as if with a chainsaw. A Doctor Mengele hack job leaving only a hideous gaping hole on top with the legs in their normal upright position. It was the stupidest looking Thanksgiving turkey anyone had ever seen."

I was only a 12 year old boy back then but ...by Jehovah God... I knew f@cking stupid when I saw f@cking stupid!!! Holy shit! Did I tell you my Dad loved stuffing? Why, hell yes he loved stuffing...being as my Mom was the world's worst cook and the only things she could make were beans with cornbread and burned bird with an asbestos stuffing! I won't even talk about her burnt pancakes with the pudding-filled middles. Where was I? Oh... My Dad loved stuffing and as I saw it this butchered bird was his ticket into my Mom's New World (Jehovah's Witness code for heaven or Utopia) because inside of that gigantic bird's chain-sawed crater my Mom had filled it with about 50lbs of Safeway stuffing. In leveling it
(the stuffing) with a Sears Craftsman hand trowel my Mom made that turkey look like a tabletop mountain with wings and legs or some kind of a birdworld aircraft carrier. Your choice. It was plain God awful ugly, folks! Worse yet, there was hardly any white meat! I loved the white! After bowing my head and faking a prayer to the Jehovah God who would off my friends, I quickly gave the illusion of eating and excused myself. As I ran out the door to a friend's house for Thanksgiving left-overs I remember my Dad yelling at me, "Don't let the Goddamn flies out!"
Happy Thanksgiving LOOONG time!!! JG;)

26 comments:

USA_Admiral said...

That was the most inspirational bit of writing I have ever read since, well, ever. Thank you for the smile that brought to the face of my Wife and I.

Happy Thanksgiving!

pamibe said...

Wow; I'd love to see a picture of the mountainous breasted fowl!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your lovely family, Gene!!

buffalodick said...

My mother just cooked it until the white meat was drier than a popcorn fart... Hope this year's meal is better- I'm kind of sure it will be!

JihadGene said...

USA_Admiral: Truth is stranger and funnier than fiction, ain't it?

Pam- I sooo wish I had a picture of that ugly ass bird!

JihadGene said...

buffalodick- Our Mom's could have traded recipes, though she never bothered with that!

Anonymous said...

Asbestos stuffing. You, sir, are a genius writer! Happy Thanksgiving.

Deltabravo

JihadGene said...

Deltabravo- Thanks looong time and happy Thanksgiving to your girls and the Viking doll too!!!

The_Kid said...

Gene, I'm sorry to hear this. We were poor but Mom was a heck of a cook and did pretty well with the variety too.

This dude at work told us his parents had Big Lots hot dogs for dinner 6 nights a week the entire time he lived with his parents. Spaghetti on # 7.

I believe him.

Wowsa.

Anonymous said...

... bhwhahaha..... so did you tell all of your playmates that your God was going to eventually open up the earth and swallow all of their families to hell?.... or did you just pay no attention and then join the Army as soon as possible?.....

... an excellent (and very funny) story, sir...

Eric

JihadGene said...

Kid- I had a great childhood growing up...but the food kinda sucked. My Elder Sister Carol was and still is a great cook and took good care of us kids looong time!!!

Eric- Thanks for stopping by! The story is true...that's why it's funny. That was the turkey from Armageddon, I swear to Jehovah!!!

Brian Miller said...

oh my bwahaha! hope you had an amazing thanksgiving! and thanks for the chuckles!

G-Man said...

Gene...That was awesome!
You be one writin MoFo!!!
Happy Thanksgiving Brother...G

Mrs. Who said...

Wow...your Mom cooked like my Mom. Hope your Thanksgiving today was much better.

JihadGene said...

Brian- Thanks LOOONG time!!! Yeah it was much better than 1966's Thanksgiving and no Jehovah's Witnesses even came by knockin at my front door either. It was a very good day, indeed!

JihadGene said...

G-Man: Thanks LOOONG time!!! I wish I could write those 55's like you do!

Mrs Who: Matter-o-fact...today was awesome!!! Just beautiful and not a Jehovah's Witness in sight!

Joanie said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Gene!

What a foul fowl. But those memories...precious. Always. Yep, even the yelling about flies.

JihadGene said...

Joanie: Every time I swat a fly or pick up something at a store on sale (cheap) I think of Dad!

joated said...

I hope your lovely Kim was able to provide a Thanksgiving repast that helped erase memories of that thurkey. Strike that. I'm sure Kim could do better even if she 1) never saw a turkey in her life, 2) had no idea of how to cook a turkey and 3) had only a wok in which to do it.

Great memory, however. Thanks for sharing.

Barco Sin Vela II said...

Wonderful story, especially the subtle, "Don't let the flies OUT!"

We are having "rehydration therapy"... hope you and yous are having a great weekend.

P.S.; I never understood "Witnesses", either. I found that Motorhead, cranked up to eleven is a good way to keep your door free of such pests.

JihadGene said...

Joated: The lovely KIM outdid herself again this year! She was up at Zero 400 hours PST cooking up a storm. It was a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with NO kimchi or rice available for the hardcore Koreans as all of her family are many miles away and thank Jehovah God, mine are too! Hope you and Terri are doing good and I bet it's beautiful this time a year up there in the NY/PA areas! Good hearing from ya and stay warm!

Barco Sin Vela II: If I know a Jehovah's Witness is at my door I usually put on prison garb, draw a swastika on my forehead, hum Helter-Skelter, and do a Charles Manson impersonation upon greeting them. Works for me!

Maeve said...

You rock my world with your fabulous stories!
Happy Black Friday to you today! I'm staying the heck away from the stores myself.

Anonymous said...

JihadGene, I made friends with my local JWs. They stop by every now and then to laugh and joke with me and quote scripture at me. They know they're not going to make me stop loving the Pope, and I know I"m not going to make them start loving him. But we have a good time anyway. I thought, "How would Gene have wanted people to treat his mother?" And I acted accordingly.

DeltaBravo

Happy BlackFriday.

JihadGene said...

Maeve- I don't blame you for wanting to stay away from the stores LOOONG time!!! I figured you'd like this story.

Deltabravo- Thanks, my Mom would appreciate that looong time but she'd still tell you that you, the Pope,and Billy Graham are all ass-out come Armageddon! ;)

Kanani said...

And here is the bald truth: Jihad Gene and I were raised but miles apart. I probably came across some old man screaming about flies more than once in my life.

Jihad Gene and Kitchen Dispatch are products of the great Central Valley. Both are prone to driving fast along levee roads just to imagine the trail of dirt left behind, skipping rocks on rivers and looking forward to when the hot day turns to dusk.

JihadGene said...

Kanani- "The bald truth"...never say that to a guy in his 50's (hee-hee).

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