Meanwhile...somewhere north of the 38th Parallel, we find Norf Korea's Great Reader, KIM Jong Un surprised by THIS news nugget. (click here)
KIM: (on computer) Huh???!!! Chelsea Crintton on speaking tour??? General Wang! General Wang! Come krick!
WANG: Right here, Great One! What seems to be the matter, Sir? Comcast down again?
KIM: No, Commiecast is working fine...but look! (points at screen)
WANG: Wowsers! She makes as much as $75, 000 (US) per speaking engagement, Sir. She's making bank!
KIM: You ain't whistling Dixie Chicks, Wang!
WANG: But Sir...what's she going to talk about?
KIM: All kind of matter 'o facts , General Wang! Very LOOONG time sad and heart-winching stories she will tell!!! (amused grin on face)
WANG: Really? Sad stories?
KIM: Very sad store-wees! Imagine the probably-hillbillies! (dreamy grin on face)
WANG: (now with dreamy grin on face) You're right, Great Reader! I see her in my mind's eye... speaking about poverty, soup kitchens, military service, and rejection.
(General Wang goes into trance and begins channeling Chelsea Clinton)
KIM: (evil grin...with eyes wide) You, Wang! You are Shellsea Crintton! Speak to me! Speak now, Shellsea!
WANG: (with Chelsea's voice) When we left the White House we were "Dead Broke". We had to eat gruel served up in soup kitchens. Mom couldn't even bake cookies. After Buddy the dog got run over ...we ate him.
KIM: (encouraging) MMMmmm...yummy! Go on!
WANG: I was in the bad part of town...always dodging sniper fire with my Mom. It was good training for me. It made me tough!
KIM: (sounding like a Korean Ed McMahon) Really? How toughs were you?
WANG: I was so tough, I went into a Marine Corps recruiter's office!
KIM: Wheelie?! What happened??
WANG: Yes, really! I volunteered for the Marine Corps and for a combat tour of duty! A tour of duty as a member of Force Recon!
KIM: (laughing) Yes! YES!
WANG: But I was RE-JECTED! (eyes watering)
KIM: (jumping up and down for joy)
I'm know! I'm knows why you were ejected!
WANG: (coming out of trance) ...Why, Great Reader? Why was Chelsea rejected by the Marine Corps?
KIM: Because of the Repubbrickans "War on Women"!
WANG: Bingo, Sir!
(Thanks LOOONG time to Carrie C. for the inspiration of this piece!)