Thursday, May 14, 2009

My Elder Sister Carol

Hold on. I'm afraid it's bad news. It's about my Elder Sister Carol. She's really going to hell now. My Elder Sister Carol is the one who washed my mouth out with 6 full bars of Ivory soap and one rather small Mickey Mouse Club official toothbrush. See...I called her a jackass and though it was on May 14th of 1959, I remember that pummeling-for-religion she dished out to me, as though it happened...only yesterday. I was age 5 and Carol was probably 40 by then, though only a freshman in high school. Carol never was too bright but we encouraged her to try her best... it was, afterall, the right thing to do. Well anyway, once I called her the J word (jackass) she nutted-up completely. First she grabbed Mom's handbag! It was loaded with a gang '0 Watchtower and Awake magazines from the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of the Mutual of Omaha. That bag must'a weighed-in at a full 33lbs or more! Then Carol yelled at me that Jehovah God would personally kick my ass for all eternity, for having called her(Carol Almighty) the J word! After several smacks, with my right eye rapidly swelling shut, choking on my own blood, flowing like a fresh mountain stream from my now-broken nose, I told Carol that she'd get in trouble for breaking my nose and blinding me in one eye. Something I said must have reached her Jehovah-God-influenced brain cells... because she stopped with the ass-beating and very slowly at first, ever so slowly... she began to smile and released her grip. on. my. neck. I fell to the floor and puked. It was then that my Elder Sister Carol, the 40 year old freshman in high school, got the idea! She grabbed me by the left ankle and using my body like a swiffer , mopped up the puke and blood... known in law enforcement circles as evidence. Then she said that I needed cleaning up. I thanked her as she drug me down the tiled hall to the bathroom, buffing the floor with my back as she went. Carol wasn't the sharpest knife in Mama's kitchen drawer but she was...I must admit...a clean one. She took me to the bathroom sink for what I hoped would be cleanup. Oh it was cleanup, alright! A baptismal cleanup!!! Well, after an hour and a half of some serious water-boarding-with-Ivory action...and with Carol yelling at me to " Praise Jehovah" and pray that "May I always serve Jehovah God, in going door-to-door and knocking on doors"...thusly "waking up the sinful ones and saving all the heathens" or else "have me and all my little neighborhood friends die in Armageddon". Now, I had a choice. We were in America, after all, even if it was California, now either, I could...

#1. Say I am sorry for calling her (Carol...the world's oldest high school freshman) the J word
#2. Deal with what she threatened to dish out to me (have my mouth washed out with soap).

I told her, "I don't give a Hell"! Carol immediately picked up a "New Worlds Translation" and referred herself to Chapter 666. It was then that the numerous bars of Ivory soap with a cute Mickey Mouse brush, were force-fed to me, via my Elder Sister Carol, now known as "The Ivory Soap Girl". Carol cackled as I foamed. I foamed and foamed. I foamed some more! She said, "Reminds me of Daddy's Gillete Foamy"...the bitch.
Well... all told, I survived Carol's reign of terror. After she was dis-fellowship'd from the door-knocking JW's ... for loving a really great guy...and even marrying him before they made whoopie... she alleges) I think Carol later went on to work with Jane Fonda in "Healthcare for American Hero's". Whatever. Here is why I am writing you all today...It seems Miss Perfect has sent me an "R" rated e-card. A dancing girl with pasties on her BOOBIES! Yes...Carol sent me a card with a young woman on it who was dancing with her top off! She even had ruby red lips (on her face)! Will she go to hell with me for this? Man, I can only hope so! Therefore, I ripped off this video from leeann who said I was going to hell for telling her (leeann) that she was going to hell. Hell, we're all screwed anyway so enjoy the video and have a nice day! Fin


Hammer said...

After reading your story I am thanking jehova I was an only child.

JihadGene said...

Hammer- HAHAHAaaaaa!!!

Anonymous said...

"I was age 5 and Carol was probably 40 by then, though only a freshman in high school."

Ahahahahaaaaaaaaa! Good one!

I was a "Carol." Let me translate for you: If you went to hell, it would reflect badly on her as a sister and an example. Now she has lost all hope for you. She is reaching out to you in R-rated e-cards because like Jane Goodall, she is trying for acceptance so as to facilitate communication.

Might be a sign of the end times also.

Either that or it was too funny for her to pass up and she knew you'd find it amusing. 'Cuz you have a sick sense of humor.


Waving at Carol and hoping both her knees are doing well.

JihadGene said...

Deltabravo- She (Carol) was doing great until I brought her attention to this latest piece of work of mine. I think she went out soap shopping. Awww...Hell!

leeann said...

Poor Gene.... taking abuse from women all over. :)
And I was the opposite kind of big sister. I used to pay my little brother a quarter to go tell Mom to "eat a big poop!" and other assorted niceties. Later I taught him how to sneak out without getting caught, and how to fake being straight in the face of parental scrutiny.
"Hell, hell, hell, it's a wonderful place..."

JihadGene said...

leeann- That's why I love you LOOONG time!!!


USA_Admiral said...

Great work!

See why religion scares me so badly.

They are heathens too.

Hell is going to be pretty crowded.

The_Kid said...

Very funny stuff.

Well, if I go to hell, I'm going to kick Pelosi's ass first thing.

JihadGene said...


Nancy has a throne in heaven, no doubt.

pamibe said...

ROFL! That's comedy gold! Takes me back to my own days of childhood, pummeling on my little brother, though Jehovah never had anything to do with it.... :D

JihadGene said...

USA_Admiral...Crowded for sure!

Pam- Pummeling siblings in the name of Allah is the only way to go in Tehran!

Teresa said...

Guess it's a good think I didn't have younger brothers. I did have younger sisters though... all I wanted from them was to be left alone. (that never happened and much screeching ensued because of this although no soap was used)

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