Sunday, December 21, 2008

Merry Christmas STOOOPID!!!


That's right folks... Santa came early this year to our Mom 'n Pop Gangbanger & Urbanwear Clothing Store in the form of about 5 black & whites (cop cars) and 6 bored Police Officers. In our town the one time you do not want to steal anything out of our store is on a Sunday at 12 noon. You see, the local Cops are really bored on the Sunday day-shift because most of the punk-ass criminals (some of which are my highly valued customers) who were up to no good on Saturday night/early Sunday morning are already in jail...or in the hospital, or still asleep, or are found dead in some orchard or vineyard. That's how I see it, anyway. What I'm saying here is that the Police Officers in our town have a slow shift on Sundays until it gets dark, if even then.
So into our lovely mercantile (ghetto store) walks a valued customer, also known as a piece of shit, who has previously stolen some clothing from us, and he runs out the door with another bargain. The wife and I are off on Sunday and have good employee's who take care of things when we're gone. Sooo...Mr Valued Customer walks in for some last-weekend-before-Christmas-shoplifting, grabs an Oakland Raider Jacket (stinkin' Raider's), valued at $165 retail, and commences to run out the door almost trampling over one of our clerks. Mr Valued customer is 18 or 19 years of age and is in good "running shape" as he has no car, nor a bicycle, nor even a skateboard to make his get-away on...the poor soul. Now, not only do you "not" want to steal stuff on any given Sunday from my store, in my town, but you damn sure don't want to do it at around 12 noon on a Sunday if you live across the railroad tracks from the place where you just stole the shit from. Seems that at noon on Sunday's there's always a good and long Southern Pacific freight train that runs by our store about then, just like clock-work. I used to hate those trains until now. I don't know, call it dumb luck or Murphy's law, or perhaps our valued customer (thief) was not aware of the time... but as he makes his run for home, the freight train is making it's run, headed towards Bakersfield. My employees see that our valued customer (dirt bag) and "penny-wise shopper" has run parallel to the train tracks (now occupied by the train) and he seems a bit discouraged. Aww...sweet youth... he runs on! Yes, he runs on, on, and ON! He runs on right past a police car at the nearby train station, just when the Officer in the car is receiving the call from Dispatch about the theft. The thief runs. The Officer wisely gives chase in his police car and promptly radio's for other bored police officer's in the area (happily most just so happen to be on this side of the tracks) to assist in the apprehension of our valued customer, now known in main stream media circles as... "A Person of Interest". Our valued customer and "bargain hunter" is throwing off pieces of clothing to "change his appearance" but hangs on to the highly prized Oakland Raider's Official NFL jacket. He jumps over a back yard fence, and another fence, and yet another fence, until he finds himself alone in the back yard of a "a lover of large dog's". Apparently our valued customer is no lover of Rottweiler's and was about to be eatin' alive. Ooooh, sweet youth. Our valued customer-turned-athlete hurdled a six foot fence with my store's Oakland jacket into the waiting arms of the police. Gee I wonder if he will get to see the Raider's VS Houston game in jail this afternoon? Thanks Santa!!! (Cops too!!!)

12 comments:

Richmond said...

Well hell - glad he wasn't rewarded. Just apprehended!! :)

Anonymous said...

Sometimes it just doesn't pay for a crook to get up in the morning.

Deltabravo

Evil Transport Lady said...

OMG!!!!!!!! I wish I could have seen the guy get eaten alive! ROFL!

That 1 Guy said...

Too bad he wasn't shy a couple of ass cheeks when he was caught...

At least the Person of Interest provided folks with some entertainment!

pamibe said...

Hilarious! Wonder if he'll be on Cops? ;)

Navy CPO said...

Dude,

You'll have to tell me what store so I can stop in. Not to steal though.

H2o said...

I was going to say the say the same thing Pamibe...

I'm sure his defense will be Obama is picking up the tab.

Vixen said...

Stoopid Raiders fan. I certainly wish his luck had continued and the Raiders has lost.

But, alas, the Niners won (can we say miracle?) so it's all good.

joated said...

Tell us, did he happen to run in the direction the train was traveling? Or did he have at least enough smarts to run toward the rear?

Stupid idjit!

Maeve said...

What do I looove long time more then Great Reader?
POLICE DOGS!!!!
The only reason I watch "cops" is in the hopes that they bring out the dogs and they get to make a chew toy out of some dumb ass.
My personal favorite was the episode where the dog bit the douche bag in the nuts.
Priceless........
Glad to hear the cops nabbed the piece o crap that tried to steal from you.

SK said...

Hilarious! I've got to have the family cops come read this one :)

Anonymous said...

I just think it's funny he stole an Oakland jacket. I mean.. aren't the Raiders really a work release program for the state penitentiary facilities?

Deltabravo