Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Love American vs Korean Style #21

 A recap of how we got to this latest installment of "Love American vs Korean Style":

In Part 1- I met the girl I would marry. Her name is Kim and RUV is in the air!!!
In Part 2- Spent all my money on a MASTER PLAN to set up a birthday party that would put me with Kim.
In Part 3- Stupid master plan FAILS!Kim gets puked on by drunk Birthday Boy. Kim leaves. I am miserable.
In Part 4- Korean Grandmothers (Shaman) take pity on me. We Kamikaze in a taxi to Kim's. Grandma's sitting on my lap crushing my huevos. I may never have children.
In Part 5- I survive the taxi ride. The Grandmothers tell me they will fix all. I must return to base. I can't beat the midnight curfew but I damn sure try.
In Part 6- Suicide ride on a bus bumper. Crash. Injuries and more. Concussion too! Police chase! Escape & Evade!
In Part 7- Climb a telephone pole. Steal a bike with one wheel. Make my Great Escape!
In Part 8- Ride bike into a Banjo-Ditch (sewage). Another concussion and a laceration on the forehead. I crawl out and am captured by the ROK Army, then returned to base.
In Part 9- Got stitches/medical treatment at 0130 hours. Later that AM, a meeting with Military Police 1SG Black Thunder Johnson. Made an Ambassador to South Korea. Run to Motor Pool for a jeep.
In Part 10- Bicycle recovered. I fall into the banjo ditch. 1SG YOON/1SG Johnson/Me and the Korean Grandfather have a Pow-wow. Intercultural relations rebuilt! Valuable lessons learned.
In Part 11- The First Sergeants have a meeting. I am cleaned up at a ROK Army wash point. We go to Kim's. I am OBAMA, to the Korean OPRAH's (Grandmothers). I SEE KIM! We are returning to base.
In Part 12- I return to Camp with the First Sergeant's, jeep, and bicycle. My squad members, the house boys, and I/we all ponder MY fate. We break for chow (lunch). I opt for a nap and am awoken by my Squad leader SSG OLY. Intro to Staff Sergeant Oly (The Big "O") and the infamous Three Beeps! Time has come...I head for the orderly room.
In Part 13- I report to the orderly room. My fate is suspended until the next day when I must report back to the First Sergeant with my Squad Leader. I am re-directed to the unit supply room and meet Sergeant James Wheeler.
In Part 14- Learn about ambassadorship, love of life, Korean orphanages, and about giving from the US Army's Santa Claus, Sergeant Jimmy Wheeler.
In Part 15- I was to meet my fate. But what was it? I was reassigned and given a "Special Assignment". But what was it? I didn't know.
In Part 16- My "Special Assignment" was to ride shotgun on the trash truck going through our Army base. I banged my head on the truck's handrail and limply fell to the ground. With Kotex applied to my forehead I was taken to the Evac Hospital and returned to my unit. I am a cross between Elvis, Audie Murphy, Evel Knievel, Sad Sack, Ralph Kramden, and a crash test dummy.
In Part 17- I meet with The Iron Empress of Korea and her man, Huey P. LeDew of Houma, Louisiana. A date with my KIM...the love of my life, is arranged.
In Part 18- I wait at the main gate to meet Kim and the LeDew's to taxi over to some park on our 1st date. I worry. Taxi is late, I think. What the heck happened to her?

In Part 19- I have my 1st date with the lovely Kim at Sung-gee Park, Pusan, S. Korea on April Fools Day 1975. I learn what "I GOO" is all about. I AM THE APRIL FOOL.
In Part 20- The lovely Kim brings me something in a package. I am an MP on duty at Depot Gate in Pusan, S. Korea and I'm in RUV! 

And now..for your Christmas 2012 pleasure... Part 21 of "Love American vs Korean Style"...

                                        THE PACKAGE AND THE PROPOSAL

While performing my Military Police duties, I just happened to look up at a robin's egg blue little Hyundai taxi, like so many hundreds of others buzzing around Pusan in 1975. The taxi stopped just outside the front gate of the US Army Depot, where I was posted. It was a beautiful, clear and crisp day...that ruvly April early-afternoon day, in Korea. Call it hormonal ESP... or what-the-heck ever...but I was "Carnac the Magnificent" when it came to RUV and pretty girls. My Carnac powers had me focus upon who was stepping out of the taxi while a Goldstar three and one half transistor radio played Paul Anka singing "Having my baby". The girl of my someday LOOONG time dreams stepped out of the taxi wearing a gorgeous polka dot dress...at least I think it had polka dots. That, or my eyes were seeing spots, do to the blood flowing down and out of my brain, to somewhere below the front of my pistol belt (if you 'get my drift' and understand how the mind of a 20 year old soldier thinks). So anyways, the lovely Kim steps out of the taxi and pays the driver. She looks up at me and smiles just as a jeep (an M151 A1) runs over the highly shined right toe of my US Army jump boot! Kim sees me get my foot runned over and a look of "I GOO" and some legitimate concern (mixed with suppressed laughter) crosses her beautiful face. It is then that I see the package in her hand! She asks my Korean MP partner at the gate, a KATUSA, if I'm alright. He assures her that shit like this happens to M.P. COOKIE (my last name is Cook) all the time and LOOONG time!!! I hand back the smiling jeep driver his vehicle dispatch paperwork. Well...after I've first issued him a stern warning about not running over an MP's highly shined footwear, anyway. Whatever... I wave the driver on and I limp over to Kim and the KATUSA MP, a Corporal named NO, Hee Yung. Corporal NO tells me that the lovely Kim has brought us some home-made kimbap. I am grinning from ear to ear, while my eyes and other parts of my body, are popping out at her beauty. My foot throbs, as does the O.D. green colored crotch-area below the front of my US Army pistol belt. I am in RUV! It is right then and right there, and only 2 weeks after I first dated this girl, that I have decided to propose marriage to the very lovely Miss Kim! While my Korean MP partner, Corporal NO, wolfs down all the delicious kimpap, I start off with my proposal of marriage to Kim. I try to concentrate while the AFKN radio station is playing Paul Anka. I'm horny as hell! I'm nervous as hell!! I stutter... I mumble... as the lovely Kim stares at my mangled boot then gives me a sympathetic sweet smile. For great God's and Buddha's sake, I'm choking up! Me! You know???... ME?!...The guy with the big mouth! The same guy who now is shaking and can barely breathe...let alone talk! Hell, I can't talk! The song "Having my Baby" plays in the background. I panic! Kim's waiting! I'm sweating and it's only 64 degrees out! Finally... I propose...well, sort of. I say to her "Will you have my baby?" Yeah... no shit. That's what I said. Kim looked shocked! Her eyes were huge! She turned on her heel, jumped into that blue taxi, and left me quicker than a Klingon has his ass kicked by Captain Kirk on Star Trek! The taxi was doing frickin' warp speed and taking the lovely Kim out of my heathen galaxy... forever! I was devastated! Like Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, I was limping as quick as I humanly could after that taxi! I was out of my mind! And I was yelling...yelling, "Hey Stella"!  I was devastated and almost made a hood ornament out of on the grill of a Korea Greyhound... A curse upon Paul Anka and his stupid song! Corporal NO swiftly pulled me out of traffic and returned me to my post on the gate. I cried. Cpl NO ate my kimpap and said, "You RUV her LOOONG time, huh Cookie?"  "Yes. Very LOONG time", I replied. "I'm helps you. Here, have some kimpap, Cook'shee. It's very much delicious good", he said.                                                     (To be continued)

*A note from Gene: I have this stuff highlighted but can't easily figure out how to unhighlight it. Oh well...Merry Christmas all! Please keep our US Armed Forces and their families in your prayers very LOOONG time!!! Remember what Christmas is all about. A gift from God. Jesus.The best gift of all! Merry Christmas and God bless you. -JihadGene (AKA: Gene Cook)         

Sunday, December 23, 2012

DPRK Outraged by New Christmas Album

Meanwhile, back in North Korea...all the buzz is about a new Christmas album! Have a merry Christmas very LOOONG time and keep our wonderful US Armed Forces and their families in your prayers!!! -The JihadGene Family of Norf Koweefornia

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

DPRK Rockets Out of Economic Depression

Meanwhile...we join Great New Reader, KIM Jong Un at Norf Korea's Sohae Satellite Launching Station and Battery Factory#3, as he observes the launch of a Galaxy-3 rocket, called the Unha-3 with General Wang and company...

KIM: Wowsers LOOONG time!!! Look at dat mudder-pucker go, General Wang!

WANG: It brings a tear to my eye, Great New Reader, Sir!

KIM: Yes! Is booty-full LOOONG time!!! It sure is good I'm stepped up battery producksion before President Obama's re-erection to help pay floor all of this good stuff!

WANG: You mean to tell me, Sir, this has been paid for through the increased sales and exportation of our batteries, Sir?

KIM: Absowootly, General Wang!

WANG: What kind of batteries do we produce that could possibly pay for all of this technology, Great Un?

KIM: Replacement batteries for the "Obama Bullshit Decoder Ring", of course! Sales are off of hook LOOONG time!!! I'm witch (Koreanese for rich)! Merry Crittmuss, General Wang!

WANG: And a very merry Christmas to you, Great New Reader. Merry Christmas LOOONG time, Sir!!!

Remembering a Friend a Soldier

I fly the flag today for my buddy 'Bert' and the 101st Airborne. Died 12 Dec 1985, Gander, Newfoundland. Matthew 5:9 says "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God." HOOAH, Bert! FIDO.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Love American vs Korean Style #20

Admittedly, some... and at times much of this, is B.S. sprinkled with a Mitt Romney 47% of truth.If you are new here please go back to read some of the earlier parts of this G.I.'s tale of love at first sight. This is me, JihadGene, as an old guy taking a look back at himself...and love...and raffing out roud! I can't help but come off sounding like Steinbeck writing about Cannery Row, as I write about Korea. South Korea in 1975 was a smell, a sound, a morning calm, and a strange sight to this (then) 20 year old Californian. Looking back gives me great happiness and brings it all back again. It's a joy and a happiness that surrounds me, and reminds me of what is important in life...and what really does matter. I hope it comes across, in that way, for you. God has been very good to me. 

 (for Jean K. of Midland, Michigan)

So there I was... a handsome (though undoubtedly I was throughly much better-looking than just the word "handsome") and young, a 20 year old US Army Military Policeman stationed in Pusan, South Korea. I was an M.P. in  a company apparently named after a tuna...I was in Charlie Company. Where was I? Oh, yeah! It was approximately 2 weeks after my very first official and "fully escorted" first date, back on April Fool's Day, with the lovely Kim so it was around the 16th of April 1975 when I sort of proposed holy-cow matrimony to this beautiful girl with the dimples.  Now, before I tell you how I did this...that is, propose marriage, you must remember it was love in the 1st degree and the lovely Miss Kim's Korean mojo was very strong. I was spinning like an Obama voter on Black Friday at Walmart! It was a fast & furious love, LOOONG time!!! A love of pain, pain, more pain, humiliation, of more pain and a whole bunch of raffing (Koreanese for laughing) out roud (loud)! Personally, I think it was bigger than "Love Story"... but unlike Love Story, I did have to say that I was sorry. Sorry very LOOONG time!!! You see, it was love at 1st sight for me and I wasn't in the right frame of mind...not that I ever have been but...like I said...it was love at first sight, on my end. On HER end...??? Hell! Who knows? My eyes were focused on her end! If ya get my drift, dear reader. After all the ruvly "girl of my dreams" is a girl...and for us guys, girls are impossible to understand. It's just a well-known "Man Made Fact" or  (in the soldier's world)  a real MF'er of an obstacle. As soldiers, we had what we called FM's or "Field Manuals". Field manuals gave you useful information on Army stuff like "Blowing the Enemy the Hell Up" and like "Not Getting Yourself Blown the Hell Up"...or on "How to Dig an Army Slit Trench" to poop in. Useful stuff, ya know? Useful stuff indeed. Sweet! But in this case, we soldiers had no FM's or "Female Manuals" that told you how to do things right...like "Get to 1st Base with a Cute Korean Girl" or guidelines on PMP's  ("Proper Marriage Proposals). The Army had acronyms for everything. Typical Army Speak was like... "Alright men, being as I'm the NCOIC (Non Commissioned Officer In Charge) and the OIC (Officer In Charge) has a case of HUB (Head Up Butt) and has gotten this mission all kinds of FUBAR'd (F'd Up Beyond All Recognition) we will CM (Charlie Mike...Continue the Mission), then complete our mission, have weapons cleaned, gear stored,  all by COB (Close of Business) or  OBT (Oh Beer Thirty). Whichever comes first.  FIDO ('F' It and Drive On), people! Now move out and draw fire!"  Yeah, that's pretty much Army speak, as I recall it. Anyway, being as my intended target of LOOONG time affection was a girl...and a Korean one at that, this made it all-the-more interesting and highly challenging! Besides...I was a guy. Yes, I was a guy and a single G.I. at that! I was a soldier on a mission! A mission of hormonally-heartfelt and manically-motivated love! I was a kid in O.D. green! A regular army RUV-U-LOOONG time loving machine, was I!!! Of this, I humbly assure you, dear readers....I was hawt very LOOONG time!!! Now, where was I? Oh yeah! So.... putting on the "Full Armor of RUV", as a young MP in the Garden Spot (or Kimchi Pot) of Pusan, South Korea,  I was fully and completely equipped by the numbers. First off... I had my MP "Helmet of Salvation" helmet liner, to carry around my love-sick lame brain in. Secondly...I had my "Sword of Truth". It came in the form of an M-1911A1, Colt .45 semi automatic pistol, issued for MP duty from my unit arms room. I  also wore the "Shield of Fate" in the form of an M.P. brassard. My fate was to someday, somehow, get the lovely Kim to marry me! On duty I wore the "Pistol Belt of Truth, Justice, and  Horny American Ways"! It didn't matter to me as to whether or not the girl-of-my-schemes was "in season" or not, because I was 20 years old and there was only one season for me...it was RUV season! RUV-RUV-RUV! Man, I either need a cold shower right about now or a cigarette as I type this stuff out! Now, where was I? Oh yeah...with my loins girded like a Joe Biden with a new batch of hair plugs, and my far less than a six-pack of abs covered in US Army O.D. green rice-starched fatigues, topped off with highly houseboy-shined Corcoran jump boots, complete with white parachute cord (for laces)...I was good rooking! Dear readers, I was totally bling'd out "Camp Hialeah Style"! Well...it was a cool, clear, sunshiny afternoon in mid April 1975 it was, that I was preforming my duties at  Depot Gate. Duties such as checking vehicles in and out of the compound, checking I.D.'s, and making sure that no 2nd Lieutenant goes un-saluted! In the guardhouse/gate-shack a Korean made "Nobility" transistor radio was softly playing  Paul Anka's song "Having my Baby" on AFKN (Armed Forces Korea Network). It was right about then that a robin's egg blue colored taxi pulled up to the front of the gate and low and LOOONG time behold the lovely Kim stepped out! She was even more beautiful than on April Fool's Day! My eyes popped out! My tongue popped out! Other parts of me almost popped out! Though my heart and body was "locked and loaded" I tried to play it cool. She smiled. I smiled while doing double-back flips that Mary Lou Retton would be proud of! While trying to play it cool, I saw she was standing there with something in her hand. She smiled. It was a small package. Could it be? COULD IT POSSIBLY BE!!!??? It was! It was! It was...      
                     (to be continued on Christmas... because that's when we open packages)

Friday, December 7, 2012

It's Friday! Let's Dance!

It's Friday! But not just any Friday...mind you! It's the 71st anniversary of Pearl Harbor Day. God bless all our WWII vets... and all our troops and their families, very LOOONG time!!! It's RED SHIRT FRIDAY...let's dance and have a great weekend everyone!