Wednesday, September 30, 2009
(one free...the other more like California) the US Army has intercepted this TV broadcast from North Korea...
ANCHOR: Hello Comrades...and welcome to the Kimmy Newz Network! We, the gloriously starving perky reporters at KNN give you all you need to know when the Great Reader KIM Jong IL says you need to know it! First in today's newz, is our teleconferenced interview with the Great Reader, KIM Jong IL about recent developments with our allies in Chicago!!!
*(KIM appears on screen)
KIM: Tank you. Tank you berry much! WOW! I'm sounds just rike Elvis, looong time!!!
ANCHOR: You sure do Great Reader! So tell us as we all sit on the edge of our seats
(most likely a dirt floor) will it be Achmedineajad, Chavez, or Great Reader KIM Jong IL?
KIM- Well, as you nose...Barrack "Whose-Named" OBLAMA is one busy indyebidual what with date nights, ignoring Tea Parties and news of ACORN, beer summits, vacations, trips to Europe, Blahda-blahda-blahda...and now a trip to the Copenhagen chewing tobacco factory...and well...what with Achmedineajad launching all his shit...and Chavez, who ain't got shit...I'd say I was a shoe-in for the gig!
ANCHOR- But what about Gaddafi of Libya?
KIM- Don't be a Dan Rather! You see how that gender-confused-tent-dweller looks physically...not to mention how he's dressed?!!!
ANCHOR- Well there you have it, Comrades... Great Reader KIM Jong IL will be lighting the torch at the 2016 Olympics in Chicago!
KIM- Good night, Chet.
KATIE- And that's... the way it is, Comrades.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
WTF? This, taken from the Washington Post 0n 26 Sept 09...
"The nation's top military officer has called for lifting the ban on women serving aboard submarines, in a significant step toward reducing the barriers to women in combat.Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said he seeks the change to broaden opportunities for women in the military. "One policy I would like to see changed is the one barring their service aboard submarines," Mullen wrote in answers to questions from Congress before his Senate reconfirmation hearing last week."
Then I found a comment left by Sharkman at Ace of Spades, about women serving on subs...
"I read somewhere that their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation. That's just great. Now we're gonna have bears in our submarines."
(Now, in my Paul Harvey voice) Good day!
I'm gearing up for Blog World Expo 2009 in Las Vegas. I'm outta here and over there in the silver state come October 15-17. Yep, the old Great Reader, KIM Jong JihadGene will be riding the next SCUD out of Fresno for the impact area/target Las Vegas, Neveda! Want to attend for free? It'll save ya like... $375!
Here's the (really wide open) stipulations...
1. If you are currently serving in the Armed Forces, or are a veteran of same (discharged or retired) and want to attend, drop Black Five's Laughing Wolf a line at blake at blakepowers dot n with BWE09 Free Registration in the subject line and a short note introducing yourself within, and you will get a code that gives you a free registration for the milblog track on 15 October, and access to the exhibit hall (and the Milblog Lounge) on the 16th & 17th.
2. If you are a military spouse, spouse blogger, military supporter, or reader of the milblogs, the same applies.
3. If you have a blog or other outlets of your own (Twitter, Facebook, newsgroups, e-mail groups, etc.), please spread the word.
4. If you happen to have contacts in blogging or old media in California, Nevada, or Arizona, please reach out to them as well, as we would very much like to be sure that we reach all the different bases in those regions.
Also note that if you are interested in attending, there are some excellent deals on rooms and such through the Blog World site once you are registered. I got the Hilton at only $69 per night and that includes a Friday and Saturday night in Vegas. Usually Friday and Saturday night stays are outrageously inflated in price! Hope to see you there...and thank you...thank you very much!!!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Today...Monday, 28 Sept 2009 is a day to go out and eat at any Chili's Restaurant throughout the USA. If you eat at any Chili's restaurant TODAY ONLY, 100% of the profit taken in goes to the St Jude Children's Research Hospital! Is that cool or what?!!! Here in our central valley California town of Hanford we have a little girl from our church who has been to St Jude Children's twice! If you've been with this brogg (North Korean for blog) of mine for very long you will know about Evan Pertile and how St Jude Children's has helped him in his fight against brain cancer. Go to Chili's today, eat good, give thanks to your God, and thank Chili's for doing what they are doing to help children through St Jude Children's Research Hopital!
HOOAH (army talk for right on looong time) !!! Tell a friend.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
In Part 1- I met the girl I would marry. Her name is Kim and RUV is in the air!!!
In Part 2- Spent all my money on a MASTER PLAN to set up a birthday party that would put me with Kim.
In Part 3- Stupid master plan FAILS!Kim gets puked on by drunk Birthday Boy. Kim leaves. I am miserable.
In Part 4- Korean Grandmothers (Shaman) take pity on me. We Kamikaze in a taxi to Kim's. Grandma's sitting on my lap crushing my huevos. I may never have children.
In Part 5- I survive the taxi ride. The Grandmothers tell me they will fix all. I must return to base. I can't beat the midnight curfew but I damn sure try.
In Part 6- Suicide ride on a bus bumper. Crash. Injuries and more. Concussion too! Police chase! Escape & Evade!
In Part 7- Climb a telephone pole. Steal a bike with one wheel. Make my Great Escape!
In Part 8- Ride bike into a Banjo-Ditch (sewage). Another concussion and a laceration on the forehead. I crawl out and am captured by the ROK Army, then returned to base.
In Part 9- Got stitches/medical treatment at 0130 hours. Later that AM, a meeting with Military Police 1SG Black Thunder Johnson. Made an Ambassador to South Korea. Run to Motor Pool for a jeep.
In Part 10- Bicycle recovered. I fall into the banjo ditch. 1SG YOON/1SG Johnson/Me and the Korean Grandfather have a Pow-wow. Intercultural relations rebuilt! Valuable lessons learned.
In Part 11- The First Sergeants have a meeting. I am cleaned up at a ROK Army wash point. We go to Kim's. I am OBAMA, to the Korean OPRAH's (Grandmothers). I SEE KIM! We are returning to base.
In Part 12- I return to Camp with the First Sergeant's, jeep, and bicycle. My squad members, the house boys, and I/we all ponder MY fate. We break for chow (lunch). I opt for a nap and am awoken by my Squad leader SSG OLY. Intro to Staff Sergeant Oly (The Big "O") and the infamous Three Beeps! Time has come...I head for the orderly room.
In Part 13- I report to the orderly room. My fate is suspended until the next day when I must report back to the First Sergeant with my Squad Leader. I am re-directed to the unit supply room and meet Sergeant James Wheeler.
In Part 14- Learn about ambassadorship, love of life, Korean orphanages, and about giving from the US Army's Santa Claus, Sergeant Jimmy Wheeler.
In Part 15- I was to meet my fate. But what was it? I was reassigned and given a "Special Assignment". But what was it? I didn't know.
In Part 16- My "Special Assignment" was to ride shotgun on the trash truck going through our Army base. I banged my head on the truck's handrail and limply fell to the ground. With Kotex applied to my forehead I was taken to the Evac Hospital and returned to my unit. I am a cross between Elvis, Audie Murphy, Evel Knievel, Sad Sack, Ralph Kramden, and a crash test dummy.
In Part 17- I meet with The Iron Empress of Korea and her man, Huey P. LeDew of Houma, Louisiana. A date with my KIM...the love of my life, is arranged.
In Part 18- I wait at the main gate to meet Kim and the LeDew's to taxi over to some park on our 1st date. I worry. Taxi is late, I think. What the heck happened to her?
So anyways... there I was at Gate#1. Camp Hialeah, in the Republic of Korea, April Fool's Day (April 1st) 1975. I have been waiting for my lovely Kim to arrive at the gate for our first official date. I was sooo excited! I was at the gate an hour and 15 minutes early. All these horrible thoughts raced through my mind like...Kim killed in a fiery car crash when coming to meet me...or that Kim was really a beautiful North Korean spy sent to break my heart and find out all the top secrets of the US Army's M151A1 (jeep)...or was this all some silly dream, one in which I would wake up in a United States full of illegal aliens waving Mexican flags, demanding even more health care, and stuck to serve under the leadership of a community organizer? Hell, Nixon and Ford were bad enough but soon I was to learn of Jimmy Carter.
Nawww...it was none of that I quickly realized as the light blue Korean taxi stopped in front of Gate#1. Inside was my buddy PFC Huey P. LeDew of Houma, Louisiana. Huey told me in his cajun voice that the girls, my lovely Kim and the Iron Empress (Huey's wife), would "meet us at a big park on a hill some-damn-where overlooking the city of Pusan". I became panicked and flew off the handle saying "What the hell do you mean some-damn-where, Huey?!" Huey responded with a weak "I kind of remember where it is up on a hill around here." Huey begins looking east and west. I yell at Huey "There's hills all around this city! We're talking a city of more than 2 million people, Huey! Hell, 75% of South Korea is mountains! Don't you know where the hell we're going?! Holy crap! There's nothing but parks or cemeteries on most of the hills around here!" Like a conservative at a town hall meeting I just can't stop and I continue to get louder saying... "Here it is, my very first date with Miss Kim and you don't know where in the hell it is we are to meet them?! Do you have any idea how damn hard it was for me to get this far with Miss Kim...huh?!" Huey just smiled. I dived into Huey like an ACORN executive into a pool of stimulus cash, yelling "IT TOOK ME OVER 3 WEEKS! THREE WEEKS, HUEY! I FELL OFF THE BACK OF A PUSAN CITY BUS GOING 40 MPH FOR HER! I THREW IN WITH A BUNCH OF OLD KOREAN WITCHES FOR HER! I CLIMBED A TELEPHONE POLE EVADING ARREST BY THE KOREAN POLICE FOR HER! I GOT LOCKED AND LOADED ON BY THE R.O.K. ARMY WITH M-16's AND LIT UP BY THE TURRET OF AN M-60 TANK FOR HER! I STOLE A ONE WHEELED BICYCLE AND RODE IT DOWN INTO A BANJO DITCH FOR HER! I BLEW A MONTH'S PAY TO SET UP A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR SOME ASSHOLE JUST SO I COULD GET CLOSE TO HER! IT COST ME FOUR HUNDRED BUCKS, HUEY! FOUR HUNDRED! DID I, BY CHANCE, FAIL TO MENTION THE 3 OR MORE CONCUSSIONS AND THE FACT THAT I HAD TO HAVE MY HEAD STITCHED UP, NOT ONCE...BUT TWICE?! AND ALL THE WHILE, HUEY...ALL THE WHILE... THE MEDIC'S IN THE EVAC HOSPITAL LAUGHED AT ME! FOR GOD'S SAKES, HUEY...I'VE HAD A FEMALE M.P. HOLD A FUCKING KOTEX TO MY HEAD TO STOP THE BLEEDING BECAUSE I FELL OFF A GARBAGE TRUCK WHILE SALUTING OUR C.O. AND ALL BECAUSE OF THIS LOVELY GIRL, MY MISS KIM! ALL THIS WHILE MY FELLOW MP's LAUGHED THEIR ASSES OFF AT ME! I TELL YOU...I'M AS MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!"
Winded... I stopped to catch my breath. Now then. Composure regained. Like a republican stuck with having to vote for John McCain, I told Huey with a voice raw from yelling, that in no uncertain terms..." You are looking at a desperate man here, Huey. How can anyone be so foolish as to not know where"...wait a minute. Wait. a. minute. Just one stinkin' minute! It was then I realized Huey was grinning at me the whole time I was yelling and trying to keep himself from laughing his Bubba Gump ass off. Huey was playing a joke on me and now he broke out into one of those big guffawing southern fried laughs of his. I looked at our Korean chain-smoking taxi driver who was smiling and shaking his head like he was in on it. "Boy, I had you going" Huey bellowed! With that we were off to the park to meet the girls. Huey laughed his fool-head off the entire way.
Though it was a weekday it was pretty busy at the park's entrance. Anyway, there at the entrance, we see the girls! We walk the park together. I am completely in love with my Miss Kim. Kim and I walk together, no hand holding (too early for that) Huey and his beautiful wife are not far behind. I look back at Mrs Huey P. LeDew, The Iron Empress, who gives me a slight smile and an approving nod. It's a beautiful day! I break out my Kodak and it's time for pictures. I take pictures of Huey and The Iron Empress...of the girls...they take pictures of Huey and me...screw that! Time for Kim and I to take a picture of our first date together, April 1st 1975. I'm in heaven! Things are going so good now and I'm so fired up that I put my arm around Kim and she says in an angelic voice some Korean phrase or expression I've never heard or noticed before. She said, "I Goo."
It sounded beautiful to me! As we went through the park I got lots of "I goo's" out of her as I put my arm around her for photos. It sounded like I was really sweeping her off her feet the way she said it. I'm excited! The sun is shining. Finally, the Iron Empress (Huey's wife) took me aside and told me to quit putting my arm around her. As regal and lovely as The Iron Empress was... I challenged her, I said..."But she keeps saying "I Goo". That means she likes it, in Korean, right?" The Empress smiled, shook her regal head no, and told me "I Goo" was the Korean equivalent of Huey's saying "Oh Shit". I thanked Her Majesty for the Korean lesson and thought "I Goo".
A few weeks later Saigon, South Vietnam fell into the hands of the enemy (John Kerry supporters) and I proposed to the lovely
Miss Kim. Stay tuned as this Korean love story ain't over yet. JG;)
*It really be us JihadGene & Miss Kim 4-01-1975
Monday, September 21, 2009
We can make a difference and Congressman John Duncan of Tennessee is on it but we need one Senator who will do what's right and sponsor his bill after it goes through the house. Sgt Ferschke's mom and dad live in Tennessee and are caring for the widow and child there, so that's where we need to make contact...our target, Tennessee. Please respectfully call or write to:
Alexander, Lamar - (R - TN)
455 DIRKSEN SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
Corker, Bob - (R - TN)
185 DIRKSEN SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Okay now. Time for an honest opinion here, Hillery. Do you really think my belt looks like a hose clamp?
*picture of a hose clamp
I'd say it was more of a hoe's clamp, Bitch!
(*Shout out to Pamibe for the inspiration of this POS post!)
Tell me if I'm wrong but didn't he just disappear a good chunk of missile defense? Dude wants to save us all (and right freeking now) with his Obamacare but I guess national defense is some kinda booshit the American people can do without.
The "S" key on my keyboard doessssssssssn't work some timessssssssss. I have to pressssss it over and over again. Or ssssometimesss the SSS doessssn't appear at all. I hate that hit! It uckssssssssss!!! May a big giant Homer Sssimpsssson lookin' Monkey God attack the Logitech Company for thisssssssssssssss HIT!!!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Again, thank you LOOONG TIME!!! JG ;)
Thursday, September 17, 2009
That's right my friends (sorry to sound like John McCain) we...my lovely wife and I...well, we are small business owners. We sell clothing to mostly lower income folks. Mostly teens. Yep, gangsta' wear. So, if you gang-bang we at FASHION THUG are rip-roaring ready for all your Drive-By Halloween needs! You wanna look like Kanye West, this Halloween? We got the shades for you! A killer-deal (rip off) at only $8.99!!!
*Mr Microphone, bottle of Hennessy Cognac, and Taylor Swift cardboard cutout not included.
You say you want some street creds?! Any true Gangsta (red or blue) wouldn't be found dead, or alive, not having this main-streamin'-n-streetin' Gangsta looking ski mask in his or her possession. Perfect for pulling off a trick-or-treatin' 211 (armed robbery) at the 7-11 this holiday season. A bubblin' cauldron of good times to be had for only $7.99!!!
*.380 Auto not included
Or let's say you're known around town by all the Brothers as a muh-fuggin' 5150 (Ca. Health& Safety Code for crazy) who be hidey-hoeing from The Man and you don't want to get caught on Candid Camera (America's Most Wanted) but you just love that "Homie the Clown" look? Well...look no further, my man, because we at Fashion Thug have got that special ski mask just for you! At a low blow-out clearance sale price of only $1.99! Why... you'd swear I was George W. Bush on crack at these give-away prices!!!
*Thorazine not included.
And speaking of crack...how about this for the "We be New in Town and be Looking to Set Up Our Own Bidness" owners look"???!!! This, I not only guarantee will get you face time on FOX News, but a tax-dodging hook-up with the fine folks at any branch office of your local ACORN! A door buster of a costume (or everyday wear) at only $99.99 + 220.25% California sales tax. Comes complete with a diamond studded cane and one bag of oregano!!! *Underage South-Central American prostitutes not included.
So this scary season shop at Fashion Thug for all of your Halloween needs and receive this special holiday poster to put up in your crib!
* One poster for every purchase over one C-note ($100 US)...for a limited time only.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
"I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man, that he's African American. I live in the South, and I've seen the South come a long way and I've seen the rest of the country that shared the South's attitude toward minority groups at that time ... and I think it's bubbled up to the surface, because of a belief among many white people, not just in the South but around the country, that African-Americans are not qualified to lead this great country."
*Thank you, yet again, Jimmy Carter.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
NIAGARA FALLS, N.Y. (Sept. 15) -- "Military officials said they were investigating why an upstate New York man was told his son had been killed in Afghanistan when the soldier was alive and well.Raymond and Robin Jasper of Niagara Falls were camping Sunday when they received a call on his cell phone from a woman who said she was a military liaison. Raymond Jasper said the woman told him their son, Staff Sgt. Jesse Jasper, 26, had been killed in action Saturday."
Note: The Army has it's shit together on death notifications (finally). No phone calls or lousy telegrams. I smell a low life rat that needs a long, slow, and painful death. The Army doesn't just call you up and say that PFC So-and-So, is dead. This is one sick person (or group) who wanted to hurt a soldier's family.
Hi there and welcome to Fashion Thug!
Do you sell crotchless panties?
But of course we do!
You're cute! Do you play around?
You are a wild and crazy girl but I am more wild and crazy for my wife!!!
I am heart broken.
Hey Mister...Wake up!
Where's the crotchless panties?
Friday, September 11, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
ANNOUNCER- Hellrow and welcome to the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea's new TV show...
The Senior Dating Game! Produced, Staring, and Directed by KIM Jong IL!
Our special guest and alleged bachelor is none other than our own DickTater of Norf Korea...the Great Reader... KIM Jong IL!!!
Let's begin with some questions from the Great Reader...
KIM- Batchofyourlett numba 1, if I was Bawack Obama and you was old Grandma...of say, 55 years, and wanting a knee replacement...what wood you wants to hear from me?
NUMBER 1- Well, Great Reader...I mean, Obama...nothing really. I would commit suicide in the hopes that my body could be used as cord wood to warm your Imperial Palace at the House of White.
KIM- Good answer, Numba 1!
KIM- And Numba#2...what wood you doo?
NUMBER 2- Great Reader...I mean, Obama... as I am old and useless, I could ask nothing of you. I would make it my last official act on this globally warmed earth to insure that all my grandchildren are properly indoctrinated by the state of Obama in their schools of HOPE and CHANGE! Having made sure of that, I would then report for duty at the White House Walmart to be turned into a wallet, purse, or lampshade for some lucky Congressman or Senator.
KIM- Wow! How can it get any better than that?! I'm don'ts know!
What say you Numba 3?
NUMBER 3- Only reason I need a Doctor is cause you threw me under the bus with all the others...OBAMA, you Mutha-F@cker!!!
KIM- How the hell did Van Jones get in here?! You knows I'm no switch-hitter!!!
CHUCK BARRIS- Cut.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
CZAR'S JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN BY JihadGene
(Sung by ASSHOLE callin' VAN JONES to the tune of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun")
I RESIGNED on a Saturday night
CONSERVATIVE MUTHA's say "WHEN YOU GONNA LIVE YOUR LIFE RIGHT?"
OBAMA dear, we're not the fortunate ones
And COMMIES they want to have fun
Oh SOCIALISTS just want to have fun
The phone rings on a Friday night
OBAMA yells "YOU ARE SCREWING ME FOR LIFE!"
Oh daddy-BAMA-dear, you know you're still number one
But CZARS they want to have fun
Those A$$HOLES just took all my fun
That's all "O" really wants
When the BEER SUMMIT day is done
Obama wants to be "THE ONE"
OH, CONSERVATIVES ARE NO DAMN FUN!
Some ARKANSAS WHITE BOY takes a REAL HORNY GIRL
Who "HIDES HIS CIGARS" from the rest of the world
I want to be "THE ONE"..."A RAISIN IN THE SUN"
OBAMA GIRLS they want to have fun
BILL CLINTON just wants to have fun
That's all I really wants...
MORE ROOM UNDER THAT BUS!!!
When the GOVERNMENT HEALTH CARE TAKEOVER is done
The PELOSI's want to have fun
BARNEY FRANK just wants to have fun,
They want to have fun,
They want to have fun...
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Meanwhile back in "The Land of Arrogant Assholes", Pyongyang, North Korea... we find Great Reader KIM Jong IL heading up this very special program via videoconferencing ...
KIM- Hellrow comrade and welcomes to the KIM Jong IL's suckcessfull 12 step "Plo-gram for Assholes"! Let's start by introducting our own selves...
UNKNOWN- Speak English, you Yellow asshole!
KIM- Wow! You went frums step 1 clear overs to step numba 12 in less than 3 seconds! Congratulating congratulations is in order! You are honor grad! What you name?
UNKNOWN- Van Jones.
KIM- I should have known.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Levitate the panties clean off'n Nancy Pelosi and Janet Napolitano! Ooo-wee!!!
Dude....don't be an asshole...
Who said that?!...
Me, Van Jones...
Well, I'll be an ass!..Are you in a hole or what, Son?
Anyways, forget about the stupid Van Jones appointment by Obama because here's "Friday's Let's Dance"! Now if you... or Hillery, or Janet Reno, or anybody else... have a good dance tune, then send me a link in the comments section and we'll get our groove-thang on! Remember that the Great Reader-KIM Jong IL, Bill Clinton, Borat, and Zohan...RUV the ladies LOOONG time! So hold on to your panties and dance!!! It's Friday people!!!