Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Greetings from the DMZ

Great Reader KIM Jong Il reporting froms the DMZ here to all of you, my gloriously literate readers, and I'm haves great news! Comrade Tammi of Tammi's World got the J.O.B.!!! So preez assist me in giving big round of appause (applause) to Tammi on fighting the good fight and flooding the corporate capitalistic pig's offices with resumes! May those who did not hire her have such not-so-hot-luck that they will be forced into laboring at a McDonald's burger factory turning out chicken McNuggets for the masses.
Also on the home front...JihadGene has had two spies shipped in from South Korea the day after Christmas on 26 Dec!!!These scoundrels were sent to Gene from his brother-in-law and best friend in da ho-wide-world, Mr U Tae KIM . These spies are named Ji Na KIM and Woong Jae KIM. Both are young adults in their 20's and consume kimchee and rice. They are a brother and sister act. They have lap tops and all kinds of crap for communications with evil family in South Korea. Gene bought lap top for Yobo (wife) and has wireless hub! Woo-hoo!!! Computers all over the house!!! Where's was I? Oh yeah... Gene and family loves Jina & Jae looong time and is very busy having a very great time with them! Tomorrow...New Year's Day...JihadGene and family go to Monterey Bay and will have a wonderful time while I am stuck here in Pyongyang. Being a DickTater with nukes can have it's disadvantages. Later Gator's!

Have "Happy" not "Crappy" New Year!!!
Great Reader KIM Jong IL
On the DMZ in California

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Love American VS Korean Style #14

In the beginning...
In Part 1- I met the girl I would marry. Her name is Kim. Love at 1st sight (for me, anyway).
In Part 2- I spent what money I had to set up a birthday party that would put me with Kim.
In Part 3- Kim gets puked on by drunk Birthday Boy. Kim leaves. I am miserable.
In Part 4- Korean Grandmothers (Shaman) take pity on me. We Kamikaze in a taxi to Kim's.
In Part 5- I survive the taxi ride. The Grandmothers tell me they will fix all. I must return to base. I can't beat the midnight curfew but I damn sure try.
In Part 6- Suicide ride on a bus bumper. Crash. Injuries and more. Concussion too! Police chase. Escape & Evade.
In Part 7- Climb a telephone pole. Steal a bike with one wheel. Make my Great Escape.
In Part 8- Ride bike into a Banjo-Ditch (sewage). Another concussion. I crawl out and am captured by the ROK Army, then returned to base.
In Part 9- Medical treatment at 0130 hours. AM meeting with Military Police 1SG Black Thunder Johnson. Made an Ambassador to South Korea. Run to Motor Pool.
In Part 10- Bicycle recovered. I fall into the banjo ditch. 1SG YOON/1SG Johnson/Me and the Korean Grandfather have a Pow-wow. Intercultural relations rebuilt. Valuable lessons learned.
In Part 11- The First Sergeants have a meeting. I am cleaned up at a ROK Army wash point. We go to Kim's. I am Elvis, to the Korean Grandmothers. I SEE KIM! We are returning to base.
In Part 12- I return to Camp with the First Sergeant's, jeep, and bicycle. My squad members, the house boys, and I.... all ponder my fate. We break for chow (lunch). I opt for a nap and am awoken by my Squad leader SSG OLY. Intro to Staff Sergeant Oly (The Big "O") and the infamous Three Beeps. Time has come...I head for the orderly room.
In Part 13- I report to the orderly room. My fate is sealed until the next day when I must report back to the First Sergeant with my Squad Leader. I am re-directed to the unit supply room and meet Sergeant James Wheeler.

As we last left off...Sgt James (Wheeler-Dealer) Wheeler is taking me and the infamous one-wheeled battered banjo-ditch bicycle to to an orphanage in Pusan, South Korea. Jimmy is a handsome Amerasian who looks totally Korean when wearing sunglasses to cover up those blue eyes of his. He used the "A" word on me again....Ambassador. Well we loaded up the bike in a jeep trailer and headed out the main gate of Camp Hialeah. Driving in Korea is kinda crazy and Sgt Wheeler drives like an expert... after all, he is from Brooklyn and when he speaks English he is every bit a New Yorker. How he speaks perfect Korean without that accent, is beyond me. We're driving through several traffic circles and eventually hit a kind of industrial area. Jimmy pulls up to a junk yard. I asked what are we doing at a junk yard and Jimmy says it's for the bike. He explains to me that while the bike is useless it is still worth something and with whatever we can get for the bike we can buy stuff for the orphanage. Jimmy says, "Cool, huh"?! I said, "It makes sense to me, but what can the orphanage use?". Sgt James Wheeler just smiled at me and said, "You really don't know? You'll see." Jimmy sold the bike to a rough looking middle-aged Korean man dressed in dirty coveralls. Regardless of race, someone who owns a salvage or junk yard is always dressed for the part with strong dirty hands from hard work, crow footed eyes, a heavily lined face from working in the sun, and a cigarette in his mouth with a long ash on it. This man was all of that. Sgt Wheeler got 1,500 Won for it, about $3 US, back in 1975. We drove a few blocks over to a corner Mom & Pop grocery store. It was like a Lee Chong's Heavenly Flower Grocery in the book Cannery Row, a place where... as John Steinbeck put it... "The grocery opened at dawn and did not close until the last wandering vagrant dime had been spent or retired for the night. Not that Lee Chong was avaricious. He wasn't, but if one wanted to spend money, he was available." That pretty much sums up a Korean merchant. Hard working and never a day off. The little store was stuffed to the gills with inventory. I was amazed at all the stuff inside! They had cheap toys, pens, pencils, paper, Napa cabbage, Mi-Won (MSG), salt, long green onions, giant radishes, candies, ice cream, cuttle fish flavored snacks, candles, matches, pots & pans, crushed red peppers, blankets, little outdoor cook stoves with butane bottles, shower sandals, soaps, false eye lashes (?), cigarettes, beer, wine, soda, nasty Korean booze called Jinro and Soju, and Samyang ramen. The place had it all! The grocery store Pop was sittin' on the floor watching a little black & white GoldstarTV set that had sports on. He smiled broadly and rose as Jimmy and I entered. His little boy, a four or five year old who sat with him jumped up, pointed at me, and exclaimed "Me Kuk Saw-rahm"! The little boy was cute as a button and he kept pointing at me saying "American person" (Me Kuk Saw-rahm). I guess they didn't get many, if any, GI's out this way. I was pretty much a space alien in this part of Pusan, South Korea. The little boy's mouth hung wide-open when I spoke Korean to him. This Ambassador stuff could be cool. Sgt Wheeler bought a bunch of stuff. More than 10 recycled bicycles could ever buy. Amerasian James Wheeler glowed as he whipped out about $40 in Korean funny-money, as GI's called it. Purchases made and off we went.
As we pulled up to the cold gray cement walls of the orphanage Jimmy hit the siren on the jeep. A "hue and cry" of pure excitement and joy went up behind those walls like I'd never heard before. I could hear children's voices yelling happily "Jim Eee...Jim Eee"...and into the orphanage we went. In there I saw Tiny Tim's and Tiny Kim's of ages 5 thru 12 maybe. Now I knew, for absolute certain, why Jimmy Wheeler glowed on the outside. Call it a higher power or maybe the forces of good but James Wheeler had love for those kids in his heart. There was no hiding it! I don't know what Jimmy's story is or how he came to be this Saint Nicholas of the Pusan Orphanage, but this guy was Santa. A real life Santa Claus of a Christian who didn't talk all bible and God stuff, like so many Christians but he spoke of love, sprinkled with a guy named Jesus. He was a sower of seed, he was. James walked the walk like none-other I have met. I saw some shy and sad-case kids there in that orphanage, but they too glowed when held in the loving arms of Sgt Wheeler. Good begets good...this I know. The Buddhists know this too...
Not to do any evil, to cultivate good, to purify one's mind--this is the
teaching of the Buddhas.

Buddhism. Dhammapada 183
Merry Christmas to all! JG & Family

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Rest of the Story

Moron (more on ) STOOOPID. Seems our Valued Customer "was" out on parole. Imagine that? Our "Person of Interest" has 2 prior felony convictions, one of which is for robbery. The other probably for just being felony ugly in public. I made a really nice CD of "Santa's Helper" recorded on our store's cameras. The cops loved it and told me the D.A. will too. I wonder what they'll be serving up in the state prison for Christmas dinner? Will it be corn dogs... or the weiner? Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Merry Christmas STOOOPID!!!

That's right folks... Santa came early this year to our Mom 'n Pop Gangbanger & Urbanwear Clothing Store in the form of about 5 black & whites (cop cars) and 6 bored Police Officers. In our town the one time you do not want to steal anything out of our store is on a Sunday at 12 noon. You see, the local Cops are really bored on the Sunday day-shift because most of the punk-ass criminals (some of which are my highly valued customers) who were up to no good on Saturday night/early Sunday morning are already in jail...or in the hospital, or still asleep, or are found dead in some orchard or vineyard. That's how I see it, anyway. What I'm saying here is that the Police Officers in our town have a slow shift on Sundays until it gets dark, if even then.
So into our lovely mercantile (ghetto store) walks a valued customer, also known as a piece of shit, who has previously stolen some clothing from us, and he runs out the door with another bargain. The wife and I are off on Sunday and have good employee's who take care of things when we're gone. Sooo...Mr Valued Customer walks in for some last-weekend-before-Christmas-shoplifting, grabs an Oakland Raider Jacket (stinkin' Raider's), valued at $165 retail, and commences to run out the door almost trampling over one of our clerks. Mr Valued customer is 18 or 19 years of age and is in good "running shape" as he has no car, nor a bicycle, nor even a skateboard to make his get-away on...the poor soul. Now, not only do you "not" want to steal stuff on any given Sunday from my store, in my town, but you damn sure don't want to do it at around 12 noon on a Sunday if you live across the railroad tracks from the place where you just stole the shit from. Seems that at noon on Sunday's there's always a good and long Southern Pacific freight train that runs by our store about then, just like clock-work. I used to hate those trains until now. I don't know, call it dumb luck or Murphy's law, or perhaps our valued customer (thief) was not aware of the time... but as he makes his run for home, the freight train is making it's run, headed towards Bakersfield. My employees see that our valued customer (dirt bag) and "penny-wise shopper" has run parallel to the train tracks (now occupied by the train) and he seems a bit discouraged. Aww...sweet youth... he runs on! Yes, he runs on, on, and ON! He runs on right past a police car at the nearby train station, just when the Officer in the car is receiving the call from Dispatch about the theft. The thief runs. The Officer wisely gives chase in his police car and promptly radio's for other bored police officer's in the area (happily most just so happen to be on this side of the tracks) to assist in the apprehension of our valued customer, now known in main stream media circles as... "A Person of Interest". Our valued customer and "bargain hunter" is throwing off pieces of clothing to "change his appearance" but hangs on to the highly prized Oakland Raider's Official NFL jacket. He jumps over a back yard fence, and another fence, and yet another fence, until he finds himself alone in the back yard of a "a lover of large dog's". Apparently our valued customer is no lover of Rottweiler's and was about to be eatin' alive. Ooooh, sweet youth. Our valued customer-turned-athlete hurdled a six foot fence with my store's Oakland jacket into the waiting arms of the police. Gee I wonder if he will get to see the Raider's VS Houston game in jail this afternoon? Thanks Santa!!! (Cops too!!!)

Did You Miss This?

It's no secret that JihadGene and Son love LOOONG time WWE wrestling. It's something that drive's the wife ape-shit, but we LOVE it! WWE's Tribute to the Troops was on last night. Remember our troops and their families this Christmas season. Thank them any way you can. You'll be blessed. Here's a clip from last night's presentation...

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Glowball Warming and KIM Jong Il

Here's a cold-blast from the past (December 2007) via Black Five's own "Kev" and "Uncle Jimbo". Preez see video before reading further. I odor you!

Now preez read Great Reader's take on the video...

Meanwhile somewhere north of the DMZ, in the Land 'O Frozen Koon-Dingies, we find DPRK's Great Reader, KIM JONG IL, making an astute observation...

KIM- Hey, General Wang!

WANG- What up, Bigg BlossMan?

KIM- Check out "Cousin Kev's" bideo on glow-ball warning!

KIM & WANG- BWAAHahahahahaha!

WANG- Dat good one all light!

KIM- Own-ree one ting I'm doo

WANG- What dat, Most Meteorological One?

KIM- I'm put NBSeize "Today Show" star reporter, Michelle Kosinski, rowing by in a fluckin canoe!

WANG & KIM- BWAHAHahaha!!!

KIM- Wang, put a-nudder clopy of Al Goes book
"An Inclunvienient Troof" on da fire...ass of Great Reader colder than the body tempatyour of Harry Reid.

WANG- Does that flucker even have a pulse?

Great Reader KIM Jong IL Surfaces

After an extended Tank's-giving vacation on the DMZ, Great and Glorious Reader, KIM Jong IL is back to work and firing like a Chevy Vega station's wagon on all 2 & 1/2 cylinders! Those Souf Koreans, the lowly lackey's of the not-so-great Satan, George W. Bloosh, have dismissed the DPRK's latest photographic evidence of Norf Korea's Great Reader as "boo shit" and "not even real"! The audacity displayed by the Souf Koreans who long for a home in Crawford, Texass will not go unnoticed by our Dear and Healthy Great Reader, KIM Jong IL! Pictured is the Great Reader playing with his "new and improved" and "nuclear-enhanced" Norf Korean Mastiff named "Fluffy".

Friday, December 19, 2008

"W" and KIM Jong IL Xmas Special

Shiiiit! Well...tis the season for "bail out's" and crap...
Bush Christmas Special: Special Guest Kim Jong Il

It's Friday! Let's Dance!!!

JihadGene here...well what with the MSM still showing the Iraqi "Winger 'O Wingtips".... Yes, that "Thrower of Tony Llamas"....the "Flinger of Flagg Brothers"...I have been inspired to play a song by KC and the Sunshine Band. Enjoy, cause it's Friday! Let's dance with the GREAT READER!!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Praise Allah! It's a Fisher Price Doll

Hello, my most consumer-wise Infidels. It is I, Baghdad Bob's son...Abdul-Jalil, here. I am late to the Rodeo on this but "Tis the Season". Though you are considered as unclean as any politician to have ever come out of that stinking onion called Chicago, I will have a little mercy on you pigs, none-the-less. We, in the land of Saddam Obamadam Hussein (see, I can use his middle name now) send courteous holiday shoppers greetings to you jewel-encrusted swine! It has come to my attention (Praise be to Allah) that our "Allies in Jihad" at Fisher-Price Toys has made the perfect holiday gift for little girls worldwide or confused little boys. It is a doll-baby approved by none other than my main-man Saddamma Obamma Hussein! He has officially named the doll Dirka-Dirka. The doll-baby says such adorable things! There are three tracks programmed into this Dirka Dirka doll. The first is baby banter. Oh, I love banter, don't you? The second is baby banter with flatulence and "mommy" sounds mixed in. Farting at women?Praise all that is Holy! I love it!!! The third is a longer track that ends abruptly, has two or three seconds of silence, and then the "Islam is the Light" sound comes through, as part of the third track. Does this not make you unbelievers want to trample over the dead remains of the clerks at your local Walmart or what? You bargain hunting zealots! Now if we can only get the doll to throw her shoes. Perhaps next year. I must go now. On to victory... against the Great Satan's of this world! Merry Christmas and remember that the lubing of a zillion camels begins with a single hose down!
*hat tip Sherri (ya Diva you!)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Baghdad Bob's Person of the Year

Season's Greetings, you infidels! First off, praise Allah, this is not Time magazine and I have never heard of them, so only I, Baghdad Bob, do this Person of the Year shtick! Islamically
pork-munching-puppet's-of-Satan..there is but one, and only one choice, who is Allah approved and doing "His" work in Middle-Eastern journalism. So without further adieu, I give you Iraq's very own "winger of Wingtip's"... that "Nike knuckle-baller" of the Green Zone...Muntadhar al-Zeidi. It was also Muntadhar al-Zeidi who muttered the immortal words...when tossing the Dr Scholls, "This is a farewell kiss, you dog"!
*I know I should have picked Saddam Hussein again this year but the MSM has been really pushing hard for this dude and besides...I don't hang much with Saddam these days.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Tuesday, Witches, and the Hairy Eyeball

My friend Maeve, a Witch, speaks of giving the Hairy Eyeball to a few students she works with at times. Now, while I have never seen the Hairy Eyeball, I have heard about it. I believe it to be about a good 8 foot in diameter with hair all around it...but not covering the eyeball's view or it's horrible looking blood shottyness. A 5 gallon bucket of Visine wouldn't get that red out...or so I've heard. If the Hairy Eyeball wore contacts they would have to be as big as a cowboy's belt buckle , or a garbage can lid, whichever is larger. Woe unto those "tester's of teacher's"...those who try to "train the trainer's", when dealing with Maeve. Maeve once gave me the Hairy Eyeball in the comments section of her blog. For that, our entire Central Valley was enveloped in fog for a whole frickin week (as usual, this time of year). I'm sure that even now as I post this, there are Flyin' Monkeys coming over the I-5 grapevine headed northbound for my blasphemous big white ass. I would type more but I just spilled hot coffee, heated to the old (pre-burn court case) McDonalds temperature of 20,000 degrees Fahrenheit, all over my crotch! Damn it, Jim! I've had enough of this crap (fog & piss poor luck) ! Maeve, bring on those monkey's. I'm dealin' them punks out'ta the game with some double-ought monkey butt shot! In the name of Remington 12 gauges...Die you Monkies! Die! TAKE THAT!...That's right, that's how we do it in my neighborhood, bitches! And take Microsoft and Kim Komando with you!!! was your day? I got to get ready for work. C ya!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Store E Tales

Sometimes shit happens that is just too good to be made up. So's... I'm working at our Mom 'n Pop gang-banger/urbanwear clothing store when two African-American girls walk in. I am axed (asked) where's the Obama T shirts for girls? Yes, I sell them...and for guys too. No, I didn't vote for the guy but I will make some $ off him if I can before he gets it all back in tax dollars. Anyway...I show the girls several to choose from. They like 'em fine till they see one style of T shirt I have pictured with Barack and his wife, Michele Obama, on it. Upon seeing Michele's picture on the shirt one of the girls exclaims, "What's that bitch's mugg doin' on there"?! I never tried so hard in all my life to keep from laughing! Retailing in da's a living. JG ;)

Bite Me B.J.!

PRAISE ALLAH and get 'em while they're hot (or not)! But it is FREE! That means GRATIS for you non Engrish speaking Mexicans out there! K-Tel Records & 8 Track Tapes proudly presents Billy Joel's (B.J.'s) very own sure-to-be-a-bomb/HIT-PIECE on the US military, titled "CHRISTMAS IN FALLUJAH"! Did I tell ya it's FREE! Free?...Right there speaks volumes. Hey, I may be a lowly goat herder but I know enough to know when someone's beggin'. Here's some of his lyrics...




*And the same SPIRIT OF GOODWILL... please rise and sing to washed up has-been Billy Joel, with GREAT READER and JIHADGENE, an old U.S. Armed Forces Hymn.....


(softly) Him

(louder, now) HIM


**Praise be to Greyhawk for his piece on BJ's song.

Friday, December 12, 2008

It's Friday! Let's Dance!!!

Do you need a bail-out? Hell, everyone does. It's a "The Year" 2,000 + eight, kinda thang. No need to feel bad just because the Congress and Senate aren't gonna do a darn thing for you. Sooo... Think good things! Think good things like "OTHER DOG". I RUV'S LOOONG TIME my Other Dog! He came to us from Korea via my niece (on the wife's side 'o the familia). He's a SHIT-ZU! I know the proper name and spelling. Yes... and that they are a Chinese breed, but Other Dog came to me via S.Korea and poops... so deal with it, please. Anyway the Niece moved into an apartment up near San Francisco and Other Dog was miserable. He missed Booger Butt (my Westie). Other Dog was a pup and Booger Butt was middle-aged in people years, back then. I guess even old Booger Butt kind'a missed him when she wasn't busy napping. While Booger Butt sleeps and dreams of the Gulf Coast, gumbo, crayfish, and the bayou.... me and Other Dog are dancin' up a storm to some Cajun music. Now pick up your pup... or a human... or a stuffed animal... and dance with us to some Horace Trahan doing the "Poor Man 2 Step"! It's Friday..Let's dance!!!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Merry Christmas to Our Valued Customers!

The wife is in L.A. buying more inventory for our Mom 'n Pop Gang-Banger Clothing Store.... Do you want a RED or BLUE rag with that? Merry Christmas to all you little Nortenos XIV and Surenos XIII out there. Got mostly (on the African-American side) CRIPS here, since we are closer to L.A. and the state prisons, so blue rags for those Homies this Holiday Season. Merry Christmas to many of my good customers who I haven't seen for a while (in lock-up) ! May you parole and spend your "gate money" here, with Kim & JihadGene! Tis the season! Hoe, Hoe, Hoe! It's a living.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Nancy Pelosi and Advice From My Dad

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi , D-Ca ... "We call this a barber shop: everyone's getting a hair cut".

*My Dad always told me to steer clear of clip joints. My Dad's advice lives on. JG

Monday, December 8, 2008

Great Reader KIM Jong IL's Request for a Bail-Out

FRUMS:KIM Jong IL, Great Reader of Norf Korea

DATE: Fruckin Monday


Merry Chipmunks (Christmas) to all! Dat's white! It is me, Great Reader...KIM Jong IL. Exciting as being on Oprah...huh? U knows it! Anyways, I'm hurtin like a homeless person without $, moo-lah, dinero, won, yen, deutsche marks, etc., for booze, smokes, or a fix out here in Norf Korea! Howze about kickin down with sum foldin' money for Great Reader KIM Jong IL? Don't be a bunch of SCREWED YA's (Scrooges)!!! I need cash money for my new line 'O autos-mobile! Check out my newest line of fine rides,like the All-New SCUD F-150 Megla-Ton, "FLOORED EXPLODER"! This baybee comes comprete with a windshield and pillow! For any Democratic patriot/stupid ass, who watches Oprah, or anyone who has ever owned a Ford Pinto, KIM Jong IL will throw in the rear windshield absolutely free! That's GRATIS for you mexican speakers of Engrish!It's PIMP CITY! Now I knows that HIP-HOP RAPPER dude LUDACRIS ruv's OBAMA long time, so I's have named a special model after him, we call it the "PIECE OF CRIS"! Redesigned after the trusty oil-leaking Dodge Neon (Piece of Shit) it will be a sure-fire (or sure to catch-fire) hit in North America! I talked to some Homies/Terrorists in OPEC and they ruved it looong time! In South Korea they have a brand of tires called HanKook but I'm haves you know that in the most glorious land of Norf Korea we have loaded this baby up with a complete set of 8 inch (or 20cm) quality KIM-HOE tires! That's right! KIM HOE'S, BABY!!! Guaranteed for 100,000 miles or 2km (whichever cums first)! Yeah I know, but they still beat the shit out of General tires, Firestone's, or Goodyear's any day of the weak (yeah...weak)!!!

Give Generously...your tax dollars to:
Great Reader KIM Jong IL and the PAAW-U (People's Asshole Auto Workers-Union).

Friday, December 5, 2008

It's Friday! Let's Dance!!!

Did you know the Army-Navy game is tomorrow? Well in honor of the Great Reader's reader, Deltabravo (Navy), and superior blogger Eric (Marine), I have a song...and not just any song to dance to... this fine Friday. Oooh nooO! It's a sailor's song with dance preformed by Marines! So in the spirit of good sportsmanship I give you my version of "The Navy Hymn". Now get up from those chairs and dance a hearty sea-farin' jig with the Great Reader! It's Friday! Let's dance!!!JG ;)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

And Now...A Cat Tale

Sometimes someone posts a comment that is too good just to be left behind in the comments section. Lady's and Gentlemen, Great Reader gives you...

A Cat Tale (or this ain't Felix) by deltabravo

Pets are great. We had a cat once. He was a golden striped long-haired Maine Coon. Proto-cat. There was never a cat better. He could hunt and catch and skin a squirrel. He'd leave their pelts at our doorstep as gifts. He would ride around on our shoulders like a golden parrot. He was people.

Cats didn't get much better than him. So being young and foolish, I thought all yellow striped cats were good. So I went to a pet store and picked a stripey yellow kitten out of the basket. (Note, it turns out yellow striped cats are the sociopaths of the cat world. They are the cat most likely to have to be pulled out of a tree by firemen. They could climb down themselves, but it's more fun to make the big red truck come out and inconvenience everyone.)

Long story short, this cat was a nutburger. It would steal stuffed animals off of sister's bed and drag it under the bed like a kill, making growly noises all the way. Just because.

A couple years later my youngest sister brought home another yellow stripey kitten. It was her gift from her boyfriend. Mom cried. Now I know why. She knew that boyfriend and daughter would be long gone and she'd still have CrazyAss StripeyCat tearing away at her antique sofa and walls and running inside the front door and demanding to be let out the back door 20 times a day for years after. One day about 13 years later the vet told my mom the cat was insane and gave her permission to put it out of its misery.

To this day I refuse to let teenagers in my house bring small furry things home. My crazy cat and moron dog are enough.

Well, back to Nutburger. For hobbies, he'd take down CrazyAss StripeyCat several times a day, wrestling him to the ground like a lion takes down a wildebeest. Just because.

He'd yowl for no reason. He was unpleasant and lacked the affection gene. And he never died. We began to refer to him as Methuseleh.

The grandkids came along over the years, arriving long after he should have died. They knew to fear him. Babies would go to pet him and get scratched. Just because.

They called him "That Mean Scary Cat" and "That Icky Old Cat." Eventually he looked like Bill the Cat, but without the necktie or the sense of humor.

He'd disappear at night and not eat his food. Mom grew hopeful that he might be dying. Nope. After several months, a neighbor came over to complain. Seems she finally traced his path back to the old homestead. He had been going over to her house down the street and letting himself in the pet door and eating her cat's food. Probably drinking the old man's beer and using their cat box too.

How do you tell Methuseleh he's not welcome to let himself into the neighbor's home and eat their cat food?

And what kind of wimp cats did they have that they couldn't kick a 15 year old cat's rickety ass?

He'd probably take them down like a wildebeest.

Yeah, eventually he died. Just because.

So that's my story of pets who let themselves into neighbors' houses.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Booger Butt and the Wong's

We live in a nice neighborhood. Quiet...peaceful.Meet our neighbors across the street. Jerry and Susan Wong. They are restaurateurs. Very well known and respected in town. Their people founded the town. Chinese people who built the railroads. They are salt of the earth. Susan was Miss Hong Kong 1950 or 60 something. Jerry is older by 15 or more years. They have been married many years. They have no kids. No pets. They are highly respectable and prominent people. They have art works from Paris, some of which are of more value than their lovely home. They are a refined couple. One would never put their elbows on the table if eating at the Wong's.
Etiquette is the Gospel in their home and rightly so. One's home is one's castle. Everything has it's place. If nowhere else in the world, Feng Shui is found in this house.
I have a dog, a West Highland Terrier, called Booger Butt. She is 8 people-years old now, though she has slowed down as of late, she once was a rebel. A rebel with a zeal for life and high adventure! She's a spirited dog. A real independent thinker-stinker of a dog.
Let's go back to the year 2000 and Booger Butt is 6 months old. Booger Butt is full-on into her growing puppy status and is developing quickly. If she can get out the front door, she will bolt. It's her thing. Then she runs down the street having a great time, doing whatever the hell she wants, refusing to come back to me, and no matter how sweetly I call her...she ain't buyin' it. It took a while but I figured her out. I finally figured out that if I scolded her by saying stuff like "Ya heathenistic flea bitten rotten dog! Ya pointy-eared Science Diet munching pig! You're gonna burn in a lake O' fire if you don't get your AKC registered booty home right now! You're gonna burn in hell alright...rubbing your butt on the Devil's carpet tryin to put your smoking ass out like a cigarette in an ashtray! Oh... I guess I could of just said, "Bad dog", and she'd a come running for home, but that ain't me. Oh well, one early morning my wife (Kim) opens the front door and Booger Butt bails. She runs across the street to the Wong's. Now why-oh-why did Jerry Wong have to come out of his front door at that particular time to get his morning newspaper... I'll never know. Maybe it was just Chinese joss (luck) or perhaps Booger Butt was a Chinese Foo Dog in a previous life. Regardless, Booger Butt had turned-and-burned like a little doggie jet fighter headed directly between the legs of the elderly Jerry who was bent- over, about to pick up the paper. Kim too was running , in hot pursuit of Booger Butt, and heard Jerry GASP! Now Booger Butt had compromised the safety and security of the Wong's pet & kid free zoned home. I don't know how she did it, but quicker than a Korean can count to 4 (one Mrs Shippy...two Mrs Shippy...etc) Booger Butt found Susan Wong's bed in that big old house, with Susan fast asleep in it. Booger Butt then jumped up on the bed and began licking Susan Wong's face. Before Jerry Wong and Kim even entered that puppy-penetrated doorway, Susan began to scream! YAAAAAAAAA! And then I think she began saying some kind of Chinese curse words between yelling YAAAAAAAAA! at the top of her lungs. Poor Susan. I think she had never uttered a bad word in her life until that cold nosed and pink tongued morning. Kim apologized profusely and Susan Wong, classy lady that she was, quickly pulled herself together and said, "You have a very friendly dog".

Message to Wall Street

What? Need I say more? Okay. I will.
Jump and take the Congress and Senate with you! JG
Thanks to Liquid Illuzion for the photo I ripped it from.
Liquid is AWESOME!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

You Learn Something New Everyday

According to the Dissident Frogman... urine from a male (only) acts as a repellent for bears. Back in early 1995 the wife got me a "Made in Mexico" leather Jacket and I don't recall being attacked by any bears... while wearing it. So I, JihadGene, have reached a logical conclusion. My jacket must contain a Mexican male urine-based tanning solution! It is a wonderful jacket but whatever you do... do not wear it in the rain. JG ;)

Author's note- Don't tell the wife I clowned her or I'll come over to your house and protect you from bears!

Monday, December 1, 2008

God Love Him, CPT Rob Yllescas

I'm so sorry but this news completely sucks, and if you don't know, then I'll tell you...
Cpt Rob Yllescas has died today, Monday, 1 December 2008. Our prayers continue. Our sorrow genuine. Prayers needed. No comments are allowed on this post. Messages of support should go here. Thanks-JG