Saturday, August 30, 2008

Great Reader KIM Jong IL Redirects Rockets

Meanwhile somewhere far west of the midnight sun, along the 38th Parallel, in "The Land of the Morning Missile Launch" we find Great Democrat Supporter KIM Jong IL appalled at the latest news from the John McCain camp...

KIM- (crying) Why, why, why??? ....sob...sniff...sniff... All this times I'm put my hearts and Seoul into the US Democrap party and what do I get for my twoubles?! HEARTACHE! Nothing butts HEARTACHE! General Wang! Get over here and see the latest news on Wirl Why Webb!

WANG- Yes, your Greatness! What seems to be the problem, Sir?

KIM- Look at Chi-Mart (China-Mart) computer screen...sniff. See anything?

WANG- Wow! Look's like McCain picked a doosey of a running mate for the Republican V.P. spot! The Governor of Alaska! Sarah Palin.

KIM- (drying eyes) What is this "DOOSEY" you speak of, General Wang?

WANG- You know, Sir. Like a real "winner"!

KIM- (blows nose) HONK! ...Do yous mean that in Barack Whose-Named Obama picked a "REAL FREEKIN WINNER" when he picked that piece of crap Joe Biden to be his runnings mate?

WANG- Oh no Sir. I mean it with utmost respect! Like whenever I speak of you, oh Great One.

KIM- Okay....sniffa-sniff...

WANG- Did you see how Gov. Palin has 5 children? Wow! Her oldest is going to Iraq soon with the US Army. She fishes and even hunts. Says here she is Pro-life. Her youngest, born this past April, was diagnosed with downs syndrome and though she was in her 40's, gave birth anyway. She could have had that baby's life aborted but wouldn't do it. That's some lady there, Great Reader!

KIM- She fishes "and" hunts?

WANG- Yes Sir.

KIM- Five kids. One in US Army. Pro life?

WANG- There's much more here, Sir. Let's see...smaller government, honest government, financially independ..

KIM- Enough! Help me take down posters of HOPE and CHANGE. It's over.

WANG- But's not over till the fat lady sings!

KIM- Enough about Janet Reno and Madame Albright! Take down their photos as well!
But leave the nudes up.

WANG- I guess Obama's ass is grass...huh, Great Reader?

KIM- More like his moose is cooked.

WANG- Very good, Sir. Shall I alert Comrade Ahmadinejad in Tehran?

KIM- Naww. Let that gay bastard, Mahmoud, find out for his own self.

WANG- Anything else, Your Greatness?

KIM- Reprogram all wockets. Make sure they are nowhere near pointing towards Alaska.
I don't want my moose cooked too.

WANG- Very good Sir.

Friday, August 29, 2008

It's Friday! Let's Dance!

Seeing as how John McCain has picked a "most interesting" and "totally cool" running mate from Alaska, we at Great Reader ohfishwally greet and welcome Gov. Sarah Palin to this brogg. So in honor of our nation's 2nd largest state (Texas is bigger) today's choice of music is from none other than the late-great Johnny Horton. So grab a holt of that Grizzly Bear mate of your'n, put on the mukluks, and dance with me you mushers! Let's go North to Alaska!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Love American VS Korean Style (2)

Dear Readers-
Please read "Love American VS Korean Style Part 1" before reading this, so as to be up to snuff when reading this most recent installment in the love of JihadGene's life.

Where we left off-
It was love at first sight and I was a party animal. I sooo felt like, "I gotta get a date with that beautiful girl"! We said goodbye and I drooled my way back to the barracks. I needed a plan and so I formed one.

Now for Part 2-
I launched "Operation Best Friend". For the next three days if my "new" best friend (Cpt Stubing) needed anything...I had it...and he got it! Need smokes? Money? A bottle of Johnny Walker Black? No problem-o. Anything for my new best amigo, who held the key on how I could get in good graces with my future wife, Kim. At the time I didn't know I was gonna marry that cute Korean girl with the most beautiful dimples I'd ever seen. When she smiled, or when I made her laugh, those dimples would show. I was in RUV! Kim's English was about as good as my Korean but to this 20 year old soldier it didn't matter one bit. No sir-ree, Uncle Bob! It really was love at first sight! It did take a while before marriage entered my mind though (a couple of weeks later).

So anyways, after about three days worth of "Operation Best Friend" I thrust forward into "Operation First Base". I begged the very Korean, Mrs New Best Friend/Mrs Stubing, to hook-me-up on a date with KIM. She had me pegged as an Eddie Haskell like she was some sort of a Korean June Cleaver, from the Leave it to Beaver Show. She saw right through me! "You men all same-same", she said. I lied through my teeth, insisting I was plainly different. I wondered if Mrs Stubing was some kinda Korean and American mind reader? I figured "Operation First Base" would have to wait...CRAP.

Two days later I launched "Operation Birthday Party". One way or another I was determined to get on first base. It seems there was a Korean S.G. (Security Guard) at the army camp, who was friends with me and best friends with Mrs. Best Friends family. You follow? Okay. The S.G. loved to drink and said his birthday was later this week. I talked to New Best Friend (Cpt Stubing) about this and he and his wife agreed it would be nice to have him and all the families over for a birthday party in honor of S.G.. Would I graciously help out with supplying some of the booze for said party? New Best Friend to New Best Friend that I was, I said "of course". It cost me, but I was assured I would be rewarded with the company of the future Mrs JihadGene (Kim). I was on fire! I'm headed for first base! Or so I thought.
(To be continued...)

Monday, August 25, 2008

Love American VS Korean Style(1)

I first saw my wife in the AAFES (Army & Air Force Exchange Service) snack bar, more than 30 years ago. She was with an army buddy so-so friend of mine (I'll call him Love Boat's Capt. Stubing) and his Korean wife (Mrs Stubing). It seems the future Mrs JihadGene (I'll call her KIM) was best-friends with his wife (the Korean version of Mrs Stubing). Well, like my Uncle Bob would do, I just walked right over there, said hi, and I sat right smack down at their table. Why was I so bold? The answer is easy. My future wife (Kim) was beautiful! Within about 1 minute I had offered her everything and anything in the snackbar, including salt & pepper shakers, silverware, tables and chairs. She thought I was either a cute nut or just nuts. I was in love. It was love at first sight and I was like an Ernest T. Bass from the Andy Griffith Show. I sooo felt like, "I gotta get a date with that beautiful girl"! We said goodbye and I drooled my way back to the barracks. I needed a plan and so I formed one. (To Be Continued)

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Great Reader KIM Jong IL Receives Text Message

Meanwhile somewhere in The Land of the Morning Missile Launch (Norf Korea) we find Great Reader KIM Jong IL checking his "Text Messages"....

KIM- I got a tex message! General Wang! I gots TEX MESSAGE!!!

WANG- What's so great about receiving a text message, Sir?

KIM- It comes frums the Baalack 'Whose-Named' OBAMA camp!!!

WANG- Really, Great One? Open it and let's see who his running mate is!

KIM- I'm cant's wait! ... I'm so's excited!
Look for me General Wang, and tell me.

WANG- (takes cell phone) clicka-click-crick...


KIM- Don'ts tell me that stupid son-of-a-bitch picked Joe Biden?


KIM- Damn.

Friday, August 22, 2008

It's Friday! Let's Dance!

I, Great Reader KIM Jong IL declares in the name of the Olympic spirit of poor sportsmanship, fake fireworks, buck-toothed singing little girl replacement, bean-ball throwing, and bogus Chinese dates of birth, I gives you a dance of bad blood between rivals! Behold....The Most Glorious All American San Diego Chicken VS The Purple Chinese Scum Sucking Barney! Let the dancing begin! Piss on China, their lead-paint infested products, poison pet snacks, tainted toothpaste, sorry-ass garlic, Chairman Mao, and his Mamma-san!
Ruv you looong time! ;) JG

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Slanted Eyes or Oh No! Rice Again for Dinner!

Remember how the Spanish Olympic basketball team caught hell recently for the 'racist' photo of them using their hands to make the slanted eye look? I still think it's not that big of a deal but then again it was many years ago when my wife taught me a little lesson, one I will never forget.
I was working as a Police Officer in a small California town when a Deputy Sheriff told me a joke, and yes, he knew I had a Korean wife. The joke went as follows...

DEPUTY- Why do Koreans have slanted eyes?

ME- I don't know. Let's get this stupid joke over with. It's not the dirty one is it?

DEPUTY- Naww, It's a clean joke. Here's why Koreans have slanted eyes...

(The Deputy then put both hands up to his temples making the slanty-eye look and said...)

Oh no! Rice again for dinner?!!!

ME- Cool! Ha-ha!

So at the end of my shift I go home armed with all my police gear and this joke. Here's how it went with the Wife...

ME- Hey honey! Do you know why Koreans have slanted eyes?

(At this point our cozy home became a funeral parlor. It was deathly quiet. Bone-chilling cold.)

WIFE- (She says nothing for 10 long seconds. She just looks at me...then speaks lowly, slowly)

Okay Dear, why do Koreans have slanted eyes?

*Yeah at this point I could have bailed out. Hell, I should have bailed out...but being the JihadGene that I am, I proceeded to tell this joke. A joke in these circumstances that would make even the drunkest drunk think twice before telling it. I realized I should never have begun telling her this joke as I simultaneously wondered why the house was so cold. Oh well, what the hell...I go for it!

ME- ( I slap my hands to my temples. Pull back the eyes to their utmost in slanty-ness and utter the regretful words...)

Oh no! Rice again for dinner! Ha-ha. Funny don't ya think? Ha.ha?

WIFE- (Looks blankly at me. Says nothing for a full 10 seconds. Then says...)

Do you know why Americans have the round eye?

ME- (I play the game...maybe it'll blow over. I say...)

I don't know honey. Why do Americans have the round eye?

WIFE- (Quickly puts hands to eyes. Uses thumbs and index fingers to make huge round eyes and says the immortal words...)

Oh noooo! Hambooger again for dinner?!

Well fans, she made me dinner that night. Handed me the plate and said, Oh no! Hambooger again for dinner! I thanked her and ate it. Hambooger (hamburger) again for dinner. I go back to work at the P.D. (police department) and they ask me, Hey Gene! What'd ya have for dinner? And they laugh their asses off. Seems my wife told one of the police dispatchers and now everyone was in on it. Aww Jeeez. This went on for 2 weeks. Sooner or later I figured the grocers in the Tri-State area would surely run out of beef. Two whole weeks of pooping out brown ground-round. I learned my lesson and I never, not ever, again made fun of my wife's lovely eyes. Now when we have hamburgers she just smiles her all-knowing smile as she hands me the plate. I laugh and give her a kiss. Our son asks, What's so funny? I say nothing. The wife nods and smiles. Marriage. Together you make it what it is. Like Kenny Rogers says in that song The Gambler...You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to STFU.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sorry Elvis! I Forgot.

Don't be cruel, people! I forgot it's been 31 years ago, yesterday, that the King (Elvis) passed away. My apologies to the King. Here, in The People's Republic of California, I assure you though Comrades that I Great Reader KIM Jong IL/JihadGene am on the constant lookout, ever vigilante, checking local In-n-Out Burgers in the wee hours for an Elvis sighting! Did I tell you I have an Elvis Bathroom? I really do! Bet you don't! Here's the picture to prove it! No, Elvis is not laying dead on the floor in there. See the cool chandeliers? On the counter top is a 1950's bakelite Admiral AM radio/phonograph....yes it works and you can bet you're sweet bippy that an Elvis 45 is on the turntable! If ya come by our place, I'll give ya the tour. Complete with Elvis in his gold lame' suit. That's lame', not lame, for you Uncle Bob's out there. Ruv Elvis Looong Time! JG

Friday, August 15, 2008

It's Friday! Let's Dance!

Do ya feel it? Are ya feelin' it now? Come on! Put on your 70's clothes, a fake mustache, and dance with the Great Reader to Tom Jones' Sex Bomb. Now take it to the street! You know what I like. Have fun!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

KIM Jong IL Discovers Julia Child is OSS Member of WWII

Meanwhile somewhere north of the mad-cow-eating-big-screen-TV-producing- global-warming-causing-LG refrigerator-making South Koreans, we find Norf Korea's own people-starving-rocket-launching-sawed-off-runt-gulag-building Great Reader KIM Jong IL checking out the latest news on the Al Gore invented intern-net and World Why Webb...

KIM- Hmmm...What? JULIA CHILD was a member of the O.S.S.?! General Wang! Come quick!

WANG- Right here, Great Reader! What's wrong?

KIM- Not so much what's wong, more like look at what's most AWESOME!

WANG- What a hero she truly was!

KIM- More bigger than Britishknee Splears?

WANG- Bigger than Britney Spears, Sir.

KIM- More bigger than Pears-r-us Hillton?

WANG- Bigger than Paris Hilton, Sir.

KIM- More bigger than Baalack "Whose-Named" Obama?

WANG- Barack Whos-Named Obama is certainly no hero, Sir!

KIM- Yeah, just checking. Obama is nothing compared to the greatness of Bwittneey and Pairs-is.

WANG- Yes, Great Reader. Now about Julia Child, she and people like her, were the unsung heros of...

KIM- She couldn't sing?

WANG- I don't know. I only meant...

KIM- Then how can Julia Child be more bigger than a Blittney Spears?

WANG- She was a heroine, Sir.

KIM- You mean Julia Child was on drugs?! No wonders she tawked so weird ! Her goose was cooked, alright.

WANG- No Sir! She was no drug addict! I simply meant she was a woman of distinguished courage or ability, you know, admired for her brave deeds and noble qualities. She worked for an American agency that spy'd during WWII.

KIM- Wow! I bet she saut'ed many a Jap on Iwo Jima!

WANG- No. No. No, Sir. Great Reader...Sir?

KIM- What, General Wang?

WANG- I think you've had enough coffee for today, Most Caffinated One.

KIM- I'm knows that. I'm alls over the map today, huh? I'm swears I'm gonna swear off the Red-Star Bucks tomorrow!

WANG- Very good, Sir.

KIM- One more question.

WANG- Sir?

KIM- Did John Kerry fight for the Germans or the Japs?

WANG- Step away from the coffee and put the rubber chicken down.

KIM- You're no fun.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Taliban and the NFL. Man on the Street Interview.

JihadGene with another man on the street interview.
Today we're in Spin Buldak, Afghanistan...

JG- So, Mr TaliBan, how do you deal with insubordinate troops?

TALIBAN- I can only think of one, really. He was named "FAVRE". What an a$$hole.

JG- FAVRE! You mean like Brett Favre, the World Famous NFL quarterback?

TALIBAN- I'm not sure of his first name, or if he was in the NFL, whoever they are, but I sure remember that last name "F-A-V-R-E". In the Pashtoe language it means "Buddy-F*cker". Favre, he lived up in the Hindu Kush mountain range, made love to goats, had a pitiful beard, always wore a helmet instead of a turban, and smoked a lot of cheese. An over-rated soldier if there ever was one! He was always crying like a baby, saying he didn't have the will to fight anymore. Then, after a few months, the idiot would return wanting to be the commander on the field . We got rid of his ass. Just shipped him out.

JG- You're not gonna tell me they shipped him to New York, are you?

TALIBAN- Aww hell naw! We sent him to Wisconsin. Never heard from him again.

JG- Anything to add before we sign off?


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Who's Going to be McCains Running Mate?

I wonder who John McCain will pick for VP? Here's a video update of the possibilities....

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Feeling Like a Worn Out SpongeBob?

First off, I must thank Hammer for the picture. It pretty well sums up how I feel crap. Let's see, got lots a yard work to do, then go to work in our Mom & Pop ghetto store. It's ghetto. Most of my customers are really Okay. Some aren't. Some are straight up pieces of shit. Shop lifting is a little bit of a problem but girls/women with kids who are running outta-control all through the store, brings out the Mr Krabs in me. I tell them to please leave, go outside to do that, no you can't eat in here, this is not the playground, etc. etc....and they usually depart after saying "fuck you asshole" and stuff like that, then their rotten little kids (AKA: Mutated Vaginal Discharges) usually repeat the same, as taught by their wonderful role-model Mommies. No Dad's are ever anywhere in sight. They are out doing the dirty like a John Edwards, or are locked up. I hate paying taxes for these pieces of shit who do nothing but raise kids who will be on welfare or in jail. I'm a tired SpongeBob today. Tired of this bullshit called theHumans-on-Welfare race. Thank God those of you who read my blog are not humans.
Ruv You Looong Time! JG

Friday, August 8, 2008

It's Friday! Let's Dance!

This week's little number is a true gem performed by British Forces and I dedicate this to all who have Texas roots, and to those who should have. God bless our troops and their families. Grab up a weapon and dance... It's Friday!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

KIM Jong IL Offers Advice on Borders

Meanwhile somewhere in the "Land of the Morning Missile Launch", north of the 38th Parallel in fabulous Norf Korea, we find Great Reader KIM Jong IL back on the cumpooter.....

KIM- Hmmm...stupid. Why can't they see it, General Wang?

WANG- See what, your Greatness?

KIM- Americrans and Mexicrans at it again on border. Mexiclan Army is got US Borders Patrol held up at gun point. This is so EZ to fixate.

WANG- How Sir?

KIM- Just open Borders to all Mexico peoples who wants to read books in USA. Or open Borders Book Stores in Mexicrow! It'll make mucho dinero (Mexico talk for $) looong time!

WANG- Sir? Why would you think that Mexican nationals are crossing the Rio Grande in order to go read books?

KIM- Mexican TV.

WANG- Mexican TV?

KIM- (Kim clicking through channels on remote)
Look at these wrestlers wearing masks on a morning TV tawk show! Pathetic.
click...Now here's a bunch of dudes dressed like Slim Whitman playin tuba's. Good grawd.
click...Look! It's Liberace reportings the weather and he even reads palms! Oooowee.
click...Now it's a bunch of shitty used SUV's and mini-vans for sale with the Slim Whitman dudes singing and playing guitars. Sorry asses.
click....Oh fruck!...Now it's a Viva Obama commercial...

WANG- Stop! Stop! For God's sake STOP!

KIM- I told you Mexican TV sucked and would make book lovers outta anyone.

WANG- It's not just launched a volley of rockets!

KIM- Those dumb remotes all look the same.
My bad.

*hat tip to Hammer for the inspiration of this post

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

John Steinbeck, Cannery Row, Me and Uncle Bob

The late great John Steinbeck wrote this about Monterey, California's Cannery Row-
"Its inhabitants are, as the man once said, 'whores, pimps, gamblers and sons of bitches,' by which he meant Everybody. Had the man looked through another peephole he might have said, 'Saints and angels and martyrs and holy men,' and he would have meant the same thing".

This quote has been with me for many years now. I don't know exactly why. For me, this sure fits in the telling of Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was all theses things..whore, pimp, gambler. From another perspective Uncle Bob was a Saint, an angel, a holy man. I figure that's why my Dad loved him so. I think we are all of these things at some points in our lives. Hell, I can be all of these things in one lazy afternoon. I got some Uncle Bob in my blood. If you're honest, you probably do too. I'm gonna re-read Cannery Row for the 10th or so, time now. I loved it. Lee Chong's Grocery reminds me of the Mom and Pop store the wife and I have. I've got shit for Valentines Day in August if you need it. Christmas too! Cinco de Mayo? 4th of July? Can do easy. Wish I could go up the hill past Pacific Grove, and hunt frogs for Doc tonight with Mack and the boys. Good night all.

Uncle Bob on the Good, the Bad, and the Pope

I think it was April 1968 ...we saw a lot of Uncle Bob then
(tell you why at a later time)...I was age 13 and my brother Joe was about 16.
My Dad was telling Uncle Bob how Joe had gotten his ass royally beat in a game of craps, by a friend of his named Eugenio. Uncle Bob immediately flew straight-up outta his Lazy Boy recliner, spilled his beer, and began cursing all godless-heathen Portuguese people from here, which at the time was Fairfield, California to the Azores! He went on to say how you can never trust a heathen tight-wadded "Portagee", to all of us. Joe took it all in stride, just smiled, and stated Eugenio's family came from Mexico. Well, then.... Uncle Bob went really ballastic (again) and began cursing all godless heathen Mexican's, and their friends the Portuguese, from Fairfield, California all the way to the South by-god Pole, back up North to Alaska, and included the California counties of Solano (where Bob lived) and the San Joaquin(where we lived)! It kinda sounded like some sort of a twisted prayer. Uncle Bob's voice then took on a quality of snottiness and inquired as to what kinda fruit did Eugenio's family pick, that is, when they were not busy picking pockets?! Joe said Eugenio's father was a Catholic Priest. Uncle Bob's jaw dropped. It just dropped. After about a one Mississippi...two Mississippi...three Mississippi count, he turned redder than beet-red. Uncle Bob began doing double-back flips, as if possessed, cursing all godless-heathen Mexican Catholic Priest's, their heathen families, and that by-god heathenistic dago-assed Pope, that all the sum-bitchin' Catholic's of Mexico and Portugal, is so fond of!!! I've never seen anyone who could rant like that, well...except my Mom, when she was preaching Jehovah God's love for us and threatening us with Armageddon if we dared cross the word of Jehovah. Anyway, Joe smiled. Uncle Bob wanted to know what Joe, in the by-god-hell, was smiling about?! Joe looked at our Dad, then turned and looked at Uncle Bob and said, "There is good and bad in the world. It can come from inside or out of, most anything. Even from within one's own family". Joe smiled that nervous smile. A fine smile, it was. I knew what he meant. We were lucky, alright. We got Dad, and not Uncle Bob for a dad. I beamed. My Dad grinned at us. Uncle Bob told my Dad, "You got some weird ass kids there. They talk like some kinda god-damned hippies. I never understand what in the hell they are talking about". Dad said, "Yeah Bob and that's just fine". Uncle Bob looked puzzled. Dad smiled and handed Uncle Bob another Miller High Life. Bob thanked him for the cold one and sat back down in the Lazy Boy recliner. Another lesson learned with Uncle Bob.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Kim Jong IL Wants to be a Democrat Congressman

Why would KIM Jong IL want to be a US Democrat Congressman, you ask?
Try 5 weeks off for a vacation...Great Reader wants a vacation Looong Time! Maybe I'll go to exotic Suisun Slough this year! I rather take an ass beating, really.

Monday, August 4, 2008

On this Day in History

August 4th

2008- Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi and those horn-dawg Dems, began their 1st official day of a 5 week vacation!
*(I feel safer already)

World Famous Rap Star Actress Yo-Yo celebrates a birthday today!
*(No, I never heard of the bitch either)

Also celebrating his birffday today is... Barack Whose-Named Obama!

We pulled Barry's Grand Ma out from under the bus, for this special birthday wish for him....

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Uncle Bob's Cadillac Test Drive

Let's see...where were we... It was October 0f 1966 and after about 4 or 6 beers my Uncle Bob announced...let's take "her" out for a spin. "Her" being his brand new 1966 Cadillac Fleetwood Eldorado, electric blue with a white interior, 2 door, convertible. Seeing as how Uncle Bob only had about 4 or 6 beers in him, I figured we were safe. We jumped in...
My Dad sat up front with Uncle Bob, my brother Joe and I, in the back. I am seated with Uncle Bob's empty Hills Brothers coffee can he uses to pee in. The Cadillac's interior is white. Luxurious. Beautiful. I smell urine from the can. The coffee can triggers my Lake Berryessa fishing trip nightmare and an "Evil Knievel does the Suisun Slough" flashback. My almost 12 year old heart is racing! I can't help it but I panic...I'm now yelling at Uncle Bob to stop the car. The brakes lock-up and we skid to the curb. Uncle Bob, caring adult that he is, inquires as to what in the hell is wrong with me?! My brother Joe smiles and says that I'm scared. What a butt-hole brother I have. He says nothing for days, all he does is smile that nervous smile of his, and then opens his yap only to screw with me. I then apologized for my actions. Promising all kinds of promises I would never be able to keep. Anything, just to get through all of this. I told Uncle Bob I was totally and completely sorry and that I would never,not-ever, insult the family name with such cowardice in the near future and the rest of my days ( if I had any left). Uncle Bob said it was OK as he'd been wanting to test out the brakes anyway. My Dad agreed that brakes were a good thing, as he opened another Miller High Life for Uncle Bob. We drove in style, with the top down, on a beautiful early autumn afternoon. Uncle Bob was tossing out empty beer bottles along our merry way out into the country, to what he called "Dead Man's Curves". Dead Man's curves?! I thought it was Dead Man's Curve. My Dad told me, matter-of-factually, that there's a series of curves up ahead, where many have crashed and burned. Uncle Bob asked if I remembered Elvis in Viva Las Vegas and all those horrific car crashes in the movie, when Elvis was racing along in a sports car playing the part of a race car driver named Lucky Jackson? Cautiously I said yeah. Well, Uncle Bob says, "It was filmed right up the road from here. Hell, we're almost there now", he says. Awww shit, I think. I look at my brother Joe. Joe smiles. I look in the rear view mirror at my Uncle Bob's face, he smiles. I bend forward to see my Dad's face...he smiles. Just as I'm really gettin' ready to crap my pants Uncle Bob hits the brakes hard and we slide sideways onto a country road, putting a ton of dust in the air (as singer Charlie Daniels would say).
It was a country road known only to Elvis, Charlie Daniels, and Uncle Bob, as "Dead Man's Curves". Just my luck. I am an almost 12 year old boy, who has a plastered Uncle Bob behind the wheel and he thinks he is Mario Andretti. This is not good. On the Cadillac's radio I hear Roger Miller singing " King of the Road" while Uncle Bob drains another beer. Surely he's not gonna take us on some kinda high speed cornering test drive? And while soused too?! Even Uncle Bob wasn't, nor couldn't, ever possibly be intoxicated enough to think he could drive a Million Horse Powered 429 cubic inch powered engine, 5 ton, Queen Mary lookin', convertible, electric-blue with a white interior, 2 door, Cadillac Fleetwood Eldorado, with fins, curb feeler's and rear fender skirts, through some kinda Car and Driver road test on this dirt road? Hell, it wasn't even a dirt road. It was a Pig Trail, as my Texan Mom would call it. Uncle Bob says..."Boys, put on your seat belts." We never used seat belts. Ever! I was the first one "clicked" in with my seat belt on. I began sweating profusely. Then all hell broke loose! Broke loose in the form of hootin' and holler'n. Seems Uncle Bob, Dad, and brother Joe, all knew what a life-loving chicken shit I was and just did this to scare the crap outta me. Ha. Ha. Very funny. I got even. On the way back I threw up in, on, and all over the Cadillac's back seat. My brother Joe, who was still all smiles, quickly grabbed Uncle Bob's famous coffee-piss can. Pushing the urine smelling can away, I stuck my head over the side and barfed all over the left rear side of the convertible. Fins and all. Uncle Bob just shook his head, grabbed another beer and told my Dad, "I deserved that, I reckon. But...DAMN"!!! The ride back into Fairfield was slow and easy. The radio played Buck Owens...the song... Cadillac Lane.

I wish I was a rich man a livin' on Cadillac lane
And I'd tour the world in a great big shiny plane
I'd go to all the famous places like Italy Rome and Spain
If I was a rich man a livin' on Cadillac lane

I wish I was a rich man a livin' on Cadillac lane
I'd had my own private car on some big railroad train
I'd never have to work again for the doggone thing
If I was a rich man a livin' on Cadillac lane
[ guitar ]
Well there's a lotta rich people livin' on Cadillac lane
Eatin' caviar and a drinkin' pink champagne
But I've got your love and to me that's everything
And I'm not so sure about the people on Cadillac lane
I wish I was a rich man...
But who needs to be a rich man a livin' on Cadillac lane

Saturday, August 2, 2008

KIM Jong IL's Test Results and Thoughts on Racism

I am 100% White Trash.
Total White Trash!
Born in a trailer, live in a trailer, die in a trailer. I am the epitome of white trashiness. Unfortunately, I have no clue what epitome means.

Deer People's of Brogging World,
Great Reader KIM Jong IL here. I have gallantly taken the White Trash Test in odor to "Read by Example" and show's all white people's of Honky-World what a true piece 'o white trash that a brilliant Norf Korean Reader can truly be, when one set's his superior mind to it. I'm knows the test score shows only "100%Total Whites Trash" but my score was actually 10 million percent and broke the sclore board! Now, we must takes special care here to offend only white-cracker peoples so as not to offend Baalack Who's-Named Obama. Yes, Baalack, who has never played a race card, nor has ever sold dope, smoked hand-rolled cigarettes, taken hits off a bong, nor listened to dirty rap music with his daughters (whom he fondly refers to as hoe#1 & hoe #2), nor has he ever been sittin' in the pews when the Rev. Jeremiah Wright Jr. started talking big shit about "Jews", or "rich white people", or yelling "God Damn America"! Far be it from Baalack Who's-Named Obama to speak of his baalackness! Only racist war criminals like that Medal-of-Disshonor holder, John Wayne McCain, are capabale of such racism! John White Boy McCain, who should be in a f*ckin wheelchair at the Shady Rest Convalescent Home, has shown his true caucasion-assed colors by approving such ad's as the "Pairoftits Hilton & Biteme Spears" ad. That's racist! Don't ask me how, but if the Oblama Camp says it is, then it is! To question this would be racist! You are all racists! The only way to no-longer be a racist is to vote for Oblama and therefores redeem your shameful seoul! That, and buy a bunch of Ludacris CD's.

Later Homies!
Great Reader KIM Jong IL

Friday, August 1, 2008

It's Friday! Let's Dance!

In honor of hearing that Al Qaeda's own Numba 2 man, Ayman al-Zawahiri, may have been killed in a Predator airstrike, I give you Osama Bin Ladin singing and dancing. Let's dance and I hope we got that sucker!